Before Sunset (U N O)

K A B A N A T A XXXVIII

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I thought that was it.

I thought that was the end of my suffering. The moment I was drowning, flashbacks came in front of me. It was displaying the most wonderful moment of my life with someone I was deeply in love with.

I never felt that light as my body was slowly making its journey into the deep waters of Ciagao. I was at peace for a brief moment.

I was half-dead already when I was rushed to the hospital. I really don't know how and why. Ang alam ko lang ay dumating si Aislyn at Miggy.

The rest was history. I refused to remember how I gave up with life. I refused to acknowledge the pain that was demanding to be felt.

I felt empty, that was it. It became so hollow to the point that I was always drowning in thoughts of agony. I was hospitalized for days I guess.

The only thing that I remembered is Aislyn and Miggy being with me all the time. Hindi ko alam dahil palagi naman akong tulala, laging hindi makausap.

It took days bago ako nakausap ng maayos. I don't cry nor wail, I just look at them blankly. I'm too tired to process everything.

It's too much to handle. Ang bata-bata ko pa para bagsakan ng mga ganoong problema. Hindi ko alam kung paano.

Ang alam ko lang ay ayoko na. Para saan pa ang paghinga kung papatayin ka rin naman ng mga karanasan mo?

"A-Amanda..." I heard my Kuya's voice break. Doon ako napatingin sakaniya, he looked miserable and half-crying.

He held my hand bago bumagsak ang katawan. He looked too fragile. "P-Please don't leave me... P-Please... You are the only one I have...."

I have never seen him cry during Papa's funeral. It was the first time that he was so transparent. It was also the first time that I felt something.

I felt something touched my heart. Parang nabigyang liwanag at buhay iyon. There was hope.

Though it is hard to do, I woke myself up. Oo nga pala, nandiyan pa si Kuya. Maybe I was too insensitive, I wasn't the only one who was hurt, si Kuya rin pala. But we all have ways to cope with the moment of bereavement.

I may not be his real child, but at least Papa made me feel that I was his. Ang dami ko palang dapat ipagpasalamat sakaniya.

It made me realize things. It made me reflect even more. It made my chest less hollow.

After those harsh moments of my life, I was taken to Manila. Doon sa Condominium ni Kuya, malayong-malayo sa lugar na nakagisnan.

It was okay actually, it was less nostalgic. Being surrounded by skyscrapers, buildings, and city lights made me cope easier.

I never heard anything about La Felicidad, kahit pa kapag bumibisita si Tita Ae. She never mentioned anything about Mommy Lola nor the whole place.

Kuya never left the condo without someone around with me. Palaging may nakabantay at may house helpers.

When I am alone, suicidal thoughts haunted me kaya nahihirapan ako. I felt blank and empty but I never cried. I was just numb.

Hindi ko alam kung paano na-handle ni Kuya ang financial situation naming pero I lived a comfortable life, one thing I'm thankful for.

I went through therapy sessions so that I can recover. It's actually good so that I can function well. Hope sprung again inside me. It took a long time before I can recover.

I never thought that the word 'hope' will still be with me. Akala ko ay wala na iyon, matagal ng namatay.

After months, I finally decided to enroll in a known university along Espanya. Just like how I planned it, I took B.S. Civil Engineering. I was too eager to make myself busy, to make me forget things.