J's Reviews [closed to catch up]

#2: Cherish Her

This is a review I wrote for Shut Up and Critique which was a ShutUpAndWriteClub feedback assignment .

Chapter 1:
I have read this chapter before and to be honest, it's not something I would usually read. The first chapter starts with the character waking up which is something I found rather off putting, as everyone wakes up in the morning. For me as a reader, there is no hook to the story or anything that makes me want to read the rest of the story. This story is written in a multiple POV which is something I don't feel is necessary and can also be confusing. I also feel there is a bit of unnecessary information such as where she works, this could easily have been added to the story gradually instead of stuck within the first paragraph. The pace of the chapter is also rushed and needs slowing down desperately. First line we have her waking up, and then within a few paragraphs she's been to work, finished work and met some random gang leader.

I think this story would be drastically improved by...
POV: Keeping all the story in one character's point of view which would allow the reader form a better connection with the character of Mabel. With multiple POV you need two very unique characters who can shed a different light on the situation and without one POV, the story wouldn't work. I feel that sticking to the single POV of Mabel would help.

Tense: the tense in the first chapter is muffled. There are words of the past tense and then words of the present tense. I think using Grammarly would help this.

First chapter: I think a first chapter, especially when you have a character that's a gang leader, should start where the action happens, which in this story would be where the girl sees a man running out of the alley. There is such a lot you could do with a scene like this. Think about the darkness of the night, the eerie silence of the deserted streets. Have her hear footsteps, loud and heavy, maybe it makes her feel uneasy, cold, and freaked out a little bit.

Chapter Titles
I feel as a reader I am most likely to want to read a story because it has chapter titles. These small headings give the reader a little hint as to what the chapter is about, but shouldn't ever be exact. For the first chapter, you could consider naming it something like hairpins. As that's something to do with the quote at the beginning of the chapter.

Quote
The quote at the beginning of this chapter is nice, but I'd like to see it mentioned within the chapter as at the moment it is looking a bit random.

Character/Plot
I don't feel a connection to Mabel at all. There are parts that could be much better described. I know a lot of people go on about show v tell a lot but they aren't saying it to be annoying. Show v tell is the ability to show the story through the characters eyes and can be achieved with both first person or third writing.

Quick note; the writer dropped out of the paired assignment which is why only the first chapter has been reviewed