J's Reviews [closed to catch up]

#4: Chaos Within

First Impression
Hi Adnan, I've known you for ages and have seen Chaos Within go through so many different covers and titles, but I must say this one is very bright and eye catching. I love the hint of red on the dark background and the chap on the cover with his hood pulled over his face, gives it a nice creepy feel. Although I know what the books about, the cover does make me want to read it. You know me, I read so many books on Wattpad for all sorts of reasons and I can't quite remember whether or not I've actually read this before. So we'll see if it jogs my memory.

The Summary isn't bad, but it is a little bit too long for my liking. I am sure you could condense it down a little bit in order to make it flow better.
Character Introduction Page I'm not a huge fan of character introduction pages if I'm being honest. I think books are better if the characters are described through the story instead of just stuck in a page before the book actually starts.

Chapter 1: Arc #1 The Beginning| Close Call
Nice strong introduction to the setting, we know there's several realms which is good to know and that God created them all. We also get to see a little bit about the battle.

As I read through it I can see that some of the sentences don't flow as well as I would have liked. If it was their swords were clashing, it would read a lot better if it were their swords clashed. You can see the flow of the sentence works a lot better with fewer words. The same can be said for several other sentences within this chapter. I feel especially with the fight scene that you are telling the story rather than showing it.
A tip for show v tell is to really get into your characters head while you're writing about him and think what you would do if you were him in that situation. Usually when people write battle scenes like this, they use short sharp sentences. It helps create a battle-like atmosphere for the reader. You said their fight was fast and intense, show that. Show the swift movements and the intensity of feelings. I can see you've added Vampires and Werewolves, but you can easily show they are there instead of saying it. Show the howling of your werewolf characters and the Vampires draining each corpse of its blood.
The name Kira does ring a bell with me and so does the scene where she is first mentioned. Again, I am not a fan of books starting with the character's morning routine as we all get up in the morning and go to the loo.

Ok, we have Kira going to school which is what every other 17 year old does, in one paragraph and then in the next we have a random man in his forties running into a skyscraper. I'm a little confused as to how the two are connected as the transitional scene between the two isn't very clear. I can see you have used a line of dashes but nothing beats a good strong transition. I'm afraid I am now a little bit confused with what is going on.

I feel you and I both have the same writing weakness. I repeat stuff as well, be careful with it. In one sentence you say A man in his forties rushed into a huge skyscraper and then a few sentences later he rushed into the elevator. See, you've used the word rushed twice.
After the scene about the chap getting in the lift and talking to Dr Nyxx, we are back with Kira, but I am still a little confused with how the two are connected. Is he her dad? Or some relative? I'm unsure.

Chapter 2: Leonardo Aguaro
I couldn't quite remember whether or not this was the book with Leo in it or not. This book has had so many titles over the year which is why I was a little bit confused whether this was Leo or not.

I can see we have the same issue here that I mentioned in my review of the previous chapter. The transitions between the scenes aren't good, actually there isn't much of a transition between the scenes about Kira and the ones featuring Marcus and I am still rather confused. I don't really know how the two are connected.
We know Marcus is a rat exploding scientist, and Kira, a school girl, but they seem complete opposites to me. It would be nice to get some idea by now as to the connection between them. I will admit I am curious to know what caused the rat to explode. It's such an unique and unusual scene for me to read, what made you come up with the idea to make rats explode? Glad I'm not a rat fan or I'd be really offended now.

Chapter 3: Why He Smiles
With the third chapter again, be careful with repeating the facts. In the previous chapter we found out that Marcus's young daughter, Sarah has cancer, but you also repeat that at the start of the third chapter.
In the scene where Marcus is told Sarah isn't going to live much longer than two months, I'm not sure any professional would tell a parent such heartbreaking news in such an unprofessional and rather insensitive way. Usually they would take him into a small family room, sit him down with a cup of tea and calmly tell him that she doesn't have much longer to live. As Sarah is a very young and very sick child, I am not sure whether or not she would be up and happy as she doesn't have much longer to live. I don't know much about children with cancer so it's probably something you could do with researching to make sure you portray her as accurately as possible.

Unfortunately the Kira/Marcus thing is getting a little annoying as you're changing the character from one to another with no clue as to how they are connected. I'm slightly concerned that the confusion between Kira and Marcus might be enough to stop people from continuing with the story. For me as a reader, it is like reading two different stories and I feel I don't know enough about either character at the moment

Conclusion
It isn't a bad book, but it is in need of a good edit. Some of the sentences don't flow as nicely as I would have liked and the sudden scene changes I feel could possibly put people off reading.

Advice: Comeback to Shut Up and Write and we'll soon help you sort it out.

Review Word Count 1,140