J's Reviews [closed to catch up]

#25: Obelisk: Vision of The Host

First Impressions

The Cover is a little on the bland side, it doesn't really give much of a hint as to what the book is about. I really like the font used for the title but the writer's name is missing from the cover. Personally I think the colours used are pale and I think brighter colours and a more interesting design might really help this book gain interest and reads.

Chapter One: The Courtyard Pagoda

How lovely it is to open a book and go straight to the first chapter, no silly prologues or unnecessary character introduction/aesthetics pages. I can't stress how irritating it is to a reader when you have to skip through three or four unnecessary pages before you finally get to the first chapter. The first page is the first chapter, so well done on that. It's also nice to see someone using chapter titles. I think the one you have here is a good strong one, not too complicated or too clear what the chapter is about.

The first paragraph of the chapter is a little bit of a mouthful if I am being honest with you. I can also see there isn't much of a hook here. Perhaps if we were shown a little bit about these awards it might help the readers connect with the story better.

I will admit though the name you have chosen for your main character is certainly unique, in fact I have never seen this name before. I don't know if it is one you have made up yourself or if, like me you are just a fan of the lesser known names. It's so refreshing to see that she's not a Summer or an Ashleigh or named after some awful celebrity. The name itself is a little difficult to pronounce the first time, but continuing to read the story I am quite sure it is pronounced Eevo-lice, actually thinking about it, it has quite an African sound to it.

Your descriptions you have used to describe the Conference Centre are stunning. It's so much better when writers describe their characters' surroundings like this as it gives the reader a clear picture of what your character can see.

The language you've used sounds really mysterious. I don't speak any other languages other than English so it's hard for me to understand exactly what they are saying to each other. Although I don't understand the language it adds to the charm of this chapter. I can't say I've heard of the Innit dialect before.

As I read through this chapter I can sense a bit of a plot beginning to form. Evolice is starting to have second thoughts about the prize and about the event as a whole and what her winning will mean for her knee friend.

It's nice that we finally get to see a little bit of a description of your main character. I can't help wondering why she has blue eyes. It is very rare for a dark skinned person to have blue eyes so I'm curious to the reason behind it or if it is just to make her appear more unique.

Evolice's project is really interesting but I'm unsure how she can translate childish gibberish and hear the girl's voice inside her head. I don't know whether this is a special power she has or how she came to discover this ability. I think this is something I would like to see more of as this is a really interesting quality of your character.

As I read through this I can't help feeling that the chapter is rather on the lengthy side. I know from having one of my own books with chapters of a similar length to yours on Wattpad that often readers would prefer shorter ones. The advice I was given then was to split the chapters into part one and part two. Although I had a good enough reason why not to do that myself, I do believe that it would probably be a good idea to consider for this story. Some readers can be put off by longer chapters as they take longer to read than the shorter ones. There is also a lot of information to remember within this chapter and if the reader forgets and has to reread, then shorter chapters or ones that are in two parts, would work better.

I am a little bit confused as to why there is a drawing in the chapter. I will admit it is a good drawing but to me it looks more than a little bit out of place especially when you have described the setting so nicely.

Conclusion

Due to the length of the chapter and the time I had given myself to complete the review I did only manage to do the first chapter. I thought it was very well written with beautiful descriptions and unique characters. My advice would be to improve the cover, it's an ok cover but sometimes ok isn't good enough. The design is a little bland and I think if brighter colours were used it would improve the reads. Although the book needs work, you show promise as a writer and I wish we had more like you in Shut Up and Write club.