J's Reviews [closed to catch up]

#24: Intermixed

First Impressions

The Cover is stunning. Brightly coloured and brilliantly eye catching, exactly what a book cover should be like. It gives off a nice fantasy feel with the use of bright blue background and a good use of gold font.

The Introduction is a nice length, it's not too long and not too short with ample of intriguing description to give the reader enough information about the book without overloading them and spoiling the novel for them, which with prologues and introductions, can easily be done.

Aesthetics. I wish I could say I love seeing aesthetics and character introduction pages. I know that so many writers on Wattpad choose to include them and put a lot of work into finding the right person to design them or indeed designing them themselves.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who doesn't see the point in them, they're pretty, I'll give them that, but what is the actual point in them. It's much better for the reader if the first page is the first chapter, and not these sorts of graphic pages. The problem with these is the fact that a lot of readers will skip them. That's problem number one. Problem number two, is that in my opinion these pages can make the readers feel that the writer is unable to properly describe their characters so instead of using words, is using photographs and aesthetics pages to compensate for their inability.

Prologue

Prologues are funny things. Some are needed to show a scene from the past of one from the future. But some are not needed at all, and instead of reading like how a prologue should, they sound like chapter 0, a chapter before chapter one. They read like chapters, and are usually a similar length to the rest of the chapters, but some writers think calling it a prologue will make them look like more of an experienced writer instead of an armature.

This prologue, however, has a brilliant start. I would love to have seen a little bit more description used. If you showed the storm and the lightning it would really add to the dark and sinister atmosphere you are trying to create. I love the way you have connected the weather to the girls mood, but can't help thinking that perhaps her choice to sit on the windowsill when there's a storm raging outside, might be a bit dangerous. I'm the opposite of your character, I love a good storm and we get some great ones here over the summer. But I wouldn't sit on the windowsill and watch them in case a bolt of lightning struck me. I really hope there's a reason for her sitting where she is as at the moment it makes me think she doesn't have much common sense.

I can't help but notice when reading this prologue that you go from past tense third person into past tense second person. So instead of you using words like he, she, they, you switch and start addressing the reader with words like you and your. I will admit it is much better to choose a person, whether it will be first, second or third and stick to it, as addressing the reader can become annoying. Personally, it doesn't really bother me that much, but that's just my opinion.
The way this prologue is written I am getting the feeling that this probably isn't set in the present day.

Chapter One

The prologue was written in a very different style than the first chapter, making it easily distinguishable. I assume this is the same girl who was mentioned in the prologue but Kyle wasn't mentioned before. I can see here that this is written in the present tense which is rather difficult to write, but be very careful as I can see you are accidentally going back to the past a few times.
There's a sentence here that I can't help feeling rather confused by. You write that 'with that very sentence, the whole room exploded with chaos', but I am unsure what has happened. You say it exploded with chaos, but how? This is a clear case of a writer telling the story, instead of showing it through your characters eyes. What readers need more than anything, is to be given the tools they need to visualise the scene that's unfolding in front of them. Exploded with chaos is nowhere near enough description for anyone, apart from you as the writer, to understand the scene. Remember, we don't know what goes on within your characters head unless you paint a vivid picture using enough description, which at the moment, this book is seriously lacking in.

The mention of the Midnight Games is interesting, I'd like to see a little bit more of this. But as I read through the first chapter I can't help feeling that it's drifting. The characters are a little on the bland side and I can't see your characters emotions. It's like they are in the story but we, your readers don't really know them. We don't know what they look like, what they sound like, or anything that's more important than one is called Kyle and he has violet eyes. I really hope there is a good enough reason for his unusual eye colour that is explained through this story or not only could you end up with a gaping plot hole, but also people could think you are trying to make him look different just so people think the book is cool. People are most likely to want to read your book if your cover is good, which yours is, and the writing is even better, but at the moment the cover is better than the way the book is written.

Chapter Two

As I begin to read the second chapter I am becoming more and more confused by the way this book is written. I am yet to know the characters name but I am getting the feeling from the title cards posted before each chapter that this is in fact written in multiple POV. To be able to write in a multiple point of view, both characters must have unique personalities, where the reader can know who is telling the story without the writer having to put CHARACTER ONE's POV/CHARACTER TWO's POV, or in your case put their names in pretty graphics before the start of the chapter. I'm sorry but none of these characters have unique personalities, they both sound exactly the same as the previous ones. I think in this case where you clearly want to show the perspectives of both Dylan and Ava, it would be better to rewrite this into third person. This way you will be able to write about both your characters without confusing the absolute hell out of your readers. Because believe me, a confused reader is an ex reader.
Continuing my critique of the second chapter, I can't help but feeling really confused. It doesn't look like this is the same person telling the story, although their personality is unclear, it is much better to pick a character and to stick with them, or use third person omniscient rather than multiple. Unfortunately the point of view here isn't the only thing I found rather confusing. None of the characters in this chapter have been mentioned in the previous one, meaning your characters are coming across as random.

Conclusion

Having read two chapters and the prologue I found myself unable to read any further. The grammatical errors here were bad enough, but the POV change from unnamed character to another unnamed character and then the random people, were things I found too confusing to continue. I think if you were to join a read for read book club where you can gain more feedback on this story, would really help you. If you would like more in depth feedback and support to help you improve your writing as a whole then I think joining a writing community would do you as a writer and this book the world of good. Would you be interested in joining Shut Up and Write Club?