J's Reviews [closed to catch up]

#6: Aimless Town

First Impressions
The Cover: I feel there is something rather Walt Disney-esq about the cover. The fairytale castle with the bright moon glowing behind it, is very pretty, but I'm not quite sure whether or not this was the theme you were going for.
Summary: While reading the summary I am also getting the fairytale vibe, mainly because your two main characters are named Jack and Jill. I keep thinking they're going up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Does he fall down and break his crown? Overall it isn't a bad length, but like the cover, it doesn't say a lot about it. Let's hope it's enough for me to read and complete the review

Prologue
Now I'm not a huge fan of prologues at all. They are very tricky to write and not all books need them. The biggest problem with them is that a lot of readers skip over them and often a prologue can read like just a normal chapter. In my own opinion, they need to be short, straight to the point with enough information to show the reader hint about the story by picking one important scene.

This is a rather poetic prologue, but I'm not 100% it's needed. It's a lovely length for a prologue but nothing really happens in it. I'll continue reading and see how it progresses.
As I read through this prologue, I can't help thinking that there is a lot of information that is missing. I feel you are telling the story but not actually showing the reader your characters' world. The first sentence needs a hook. It needs to grab the reader by the balls and force them to read it, but the first line of this prologue doesn't contain a hook. It is a nice, simple sentence with a very strong fairytale theme. But there's nothing to grab me as a reader. The prologue as a whole is short, which isn't bad, but the missing hook is something that will cost you readers.

Chapter 1: In For The Strife
This chapter follows on from where the prologue ended, which makes the prologue read more like the first chapter and this as chapter two.
Now when you have a character shouting, one exclamation mark is enough, using more than one is completely unnecessary and overkill. To be it loses its punch and weakens the dialogue.
There is so much more detail you could give to the reader to really make this book come alive. At the moment it feels like it is sleeping and lacks the show v tell elements that all books need. You have a car hit by lightning which would usually be a very strong, very powerful scene, but as this hasn't been described it comes across as weak. What this scene needs is for you to really get inside your characters' heads, show us their thoughts and feelings whilst describing the sights, smells and sounds around them. Make them more human and more 3D as at the moment they are coming across as 2dimentional cardboard cutouts.

Jack and Jill pass out. This is another sentence that could be easily described better instead of just a few simple words.

In one scene you have them passing out and then in the next you have them waking up but there is no clear transition between the two.

As I read through the chapter I can't help feeling rather confused as exactly what is going on here. One minute their car was hit by lightning and now they're standing with some guy who's telling them New York doesn't exist. I feel there is a lot of missing information here.

I can honestly say I haven't read a book like this, but the lack of information and the fact show v tell hasn't been used very well, means I am unable to successfully visualise the scene in my head. Your job as the writer is to provide the readers with enough information about your story so that we can keep up with what's going on and find enjoyment in your work. What you have here is a great draft of a story that has the potential to be a really good book, it just needs a lot of work to flesh it out more.

Chapter 2: AllBackUp
Ok, well the first thing that jumps out at me within the first few sentences is the second sentence. There are a few things wrong with it. When writing anything, a book, letter, article, never, ever start a sentence by substituting a number for a word. Numbers are numbers and words are words, never should the two be confused. People can, and will judge the writer based on the book they write and using a number to start a sentence with instead of a word, isn't the best thing to do.

Conclusion
I can only apologise for this review being a bit on the shorter side but really there was a lot I could say about it. Not only does it need a lot of work, it needs a decent quality hook which at the moment it is lacking.

Advice
I think you as a writer and this book could benefit from joining a read for read book club or a decent writing community. These will both be able to help you get your book up to scratch. Also free Grammarly should help you with the spelling and grammar.