Twisted Perfection ~ Everlark

I'm not sure and I'm sorry.

Katniss PoV:

-flashback-

Me and Peeta sit on the couch together as I brush the hair out of his forehead. He stares at me intently, looking straight into my grey eyes. The air in the house is mild, nearer cold than warm, but our embrace fills the gaps of harsh air that wisps through the house. It's completely silent, until Peeta quietly speaks up. "Can we play real or not real?" "Of course." I reply. "You're favourite tree is a willow?" He asks. I nod my head. He stays silent for a moments, probably trying to think of another question. "You still have the pearl?" He asks. Once again, I nod my head. 'I'd go mental without it', I think to myself. "You promise to never lie to me?" I sit straight up, with furrowed brows, looking confused. "What?" I reply, laughing immensely vaguely. "Just promise it." He says, brushing the chunk of hair that sits either side of my face, when in a braid. "I'll promise it if you tell me why." I reason with him. I can tell my stubborn streak is starting to annoy him on this concept.

He puffs out a breath of annoyance. "Because if you lie to me, it's not real." I kiss his cheek. "I promise never to lie to you. Ever." I say, smiling at his innocence and vulnerability. Gosh, I love him so much. So, so much.

—

Peeta stares at me for an answer about us having children. I take a deep breath. "Peeta...you're right, we've never talked about this before. You once told me never to lie to you, so I won't. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be. Why? Because," I pause, trying to prepare my voice to sound more realistic. "Because I wake up every night screaming and you do to most nights. I've seen so many people die and I know you have too. I don't want to bring a child into a world filled with hatred and negativity. It wouldn't be fair."

His head bows and all I can read at this moment is disappointment. "Ok. I understand." He sighs. Maybe in annoyance or acceptance, I'm not sure. "I'm sorry." I say and kiss him on the cheek. He smiles at me gingerly and we sit back against the tree.

When Peeta and I get home, it's dinner time, but I'm not hungry. All I can think about is how I've let him down. I decide to go and talk to Haymitch. Sometimes being drunk, can make you very honest and I think he'll give some truthful opinion on the matter. I tell Peeta that I'm going to see Haymitch, but all I receive is a nod. Usually it's 'don't be too late' with a passionate kiss.

Not even a glance.

I don't bother knocking on Haymitchs door anymore. Any privacy he wanted went out the window a while ago. Many times me and Peeta have had to strip him naked and shower him to clear the stench of vomit and liquor. He's sprawled out on the sofa, sipping on a bottle of white liquor. He sees me. "Hello sweetheart." He says, sitting up and wiping his crusted bottom lip. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Haymitch asks in a very Capitol accent.
"It's Peeta's birthday today, in case you care." I say, sloping into a chair beside him. "Anyways, to celebrate we were just sitting in the meadow, and then we got onto the subject of having children; well, Peeta did. He asked me if I wanted any, and I told him the truth. I said no. Now he's pissed off with me and won't even look at me." I say, all in one huff of annoyance.

Swinging his hand around in a circle, Haymitch looks encouraging. "And I'm guessing you want me to give advice?" "Yes." I say, rolling my eyes. "Why don't you want kids?" He asks, as if I'm committing sin. I sigh. "Because we both still wake up from nightmares, I do screaming anyway. Peeta still has venom attacks and I doubt either of those things will ever go away. I've seen people die for crying out loud!" I shout, not caring about how obnoxious or angry I am. Haymitch huffs out a sigh. "Woah, talk about pregnancy, you'll be a bloody nightmare when it comes to it." I give him a glare of hatred.

"Look Sweetheart, you're right. Neither of those things will ever go away. Hell, I still sleep with a knife beside me." He says, picking up the one that lays on his coffee table. "But, Katniss, this is all Peeta has ever wanted, besides you. I know you think we live in a world where people are still being killed or the games are still alive, but we ain't. Even if you're not ready now, because I don't think you are, you will be in 10 years. Just you wait and see. The bakery'll be rebuilt. Peeta will have a job, you'll be hunting again, your mother might even come back. You'll have a pretty normal life to bring a pretty normal baby into. Right now just isn't the right time." He tells me.

What Haymitch says is true. For the entirety of our marriage, I've only ever thought that this depression or whatever shitty mood I sometimes have is temporary. But it won't be. In 10 years, like Haymitch says, I'll be happy again, more happy than I am now. I'll have a structured routine. Well-planned and wise, never expecting surprises. Maybe Haymitch is right. Maybe I can have children in a happy world and maybe I can make Peeta happy. "Thank you Haymitch." I say, heading towards the door. Before I leave, I hear him speak up. "You're welcome, by the way, tell Peeta I said Happy Birthday." I nod and smile, before heading out the door.

Peeta.

How do I tell him? Do I just announce it in the front door? How? I walk in to see him in the kitchen chopping up some potatoes. I take my coat and shoes off, making noise to make my presence more aware. He looks up and comes straight towards me and grabs both my hands. "Katniss, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting so much burden on you. I never thought about it. Gosh, I'm so stupid. You should hate me right n-"
Before he can even finish, I crash my lips on his. The kiss is hesitant at first on Peeta's behalf, but he soon melts into it. I pull away, resting my head on his. "Peeta, don't even say those words. I can never hate you, only love. I came to say something." I now look him straight in the eyes. "One day, not now, but in the future, I...I will give you a child."

All he can do is smile and kiss me again. Maybe this can work out. Maybe we can be good parents. Maybe, I can be a good mother.