My Somewhat Terrible Mother

7/16/2020

TW: mention of suicidal thoughts/depressive tendencies

Ok, quick update. I'll have to turn off notifications on wattpad or log out. I'm trying to write Unaccepted but I can't bc of the new shit happening in my life rn.

Basically, there's been this tension between me and my mom since a few days before 6/20/2020. It's basically where I officially hate her instead of just yknow not liking her. Then one day, sometime after 6/20, she asked to watch a Netflix show with me so I was like okay. (Btw I've already seen it.)

So we watched it, and I was hoping it would help lift the tension. I even tried to fake excitement and a bubbly personality around her to have happy vibes around her and stuff so it would help. Clearly both watching tv and faking that stuff didn't do shit. Bc I hate her worse. And it's never going back, she's not gonna be able to dig herself out of this hole.

I was texting my boyfriend at like 12:30 am or so on Friday, July 10th. We were just chilling but before that, my mom had made me mad. I don't remember what it was now, but then she came back as I was trying to sleep in bed. Made me more mad by telling me to do stuff while I'm trying to go to bed. Then she pulled the bitchiest move to take my phone. So I couldn't sleep. And I was worried she was gonna look through my phone. I overheard them talking about "recently deleted" and I knew they were clearly looking through it. I was gonna fill up my water with purified water downstairs to see what they were doing. I confronted them and then they found stuff.

So basically they punished me for being a teenager doing teen stuff. Yknow like cussing and looking at memes and having a social life and shit and so they kept my phone and argued with me until 5-6 in the morning.

For the record, I haven't felt suicidal/had suicidal thoughts since me and my boyfriend got together 7 months ago. So this bs happened and made the main thought in my head for hours on end, ending my life. I got bold and told my mom she's the reason I'm feeling suicidal when I haven't in almost 7 months (at the time) aka when I stopped being single and all that, and so she instantly assumed "suicidal thoughts" means I'm gonna kms. Which all us normal people know that isn't how it works. Suicide is planned.

If any of you are feeling suicidal, or thinking of ending your life, please don't, you are important, you are loved, and you matter. If you don't think you matter to anyone, well, you matter to me. There, that's one person so far. Please don't leave us. Many people love you.

So it worried my boyfriend bc she told him that and so she called him so I could talk to him and tell him goodnight. Then she was randomly so adamant about it being on speaker like bitch calm down, weirdo. I mean god I already am getting my phone taken away can I at least call my baby in peace? Jfc.

Then I try to sleep, get horrible sleep, then all day I keep going in and out of crying. Only thing on my mind is "I don't wanna be here anymore." All I did was play Xbox and cry. I secretly snuck my iPod as soon as they took my phone so I could log into Instagram on an account not on my phone so I can text my man. He knows that this whole incident has brought me to the lowest I've ever been in my life. We're both going through a rough time. He's always worried about me and we both can't sleep well at all. Our 7 month anniversary was on July 13th. All I did was wait for that day so I can hang out with him. I kept doing what I was asked without and hesitation yknow to be good or something.

I ended up getting the ability to hang out with him on July 13th and I missed him so much I couldn't get away from him just to pee or anything lmao. Then I got my phone back two days later but with restrictions.

I apparently can't have my phone with me at night when I go to sleep.

They can look through my phone at any point. (Even tho google says that's illegal without permission.)

I can't have my phone alone with me like upstairs or anything.

So I'm being secretive and restricting myself from being myself.

Then me and my baby hung out again on the 15th and it was great, I had my phone back that day. But earlier today, the 16th, I asked if I was allowed to listen to music while playing Xbox. (My Xbox is upstairs.) My mom said yes. So I did that. Then I started watching YouTube and turned the tv off and was gonna turn it back on and continue Xbox when I was done. Then I saw the trailer for another season of the show she just watched with me. (note: I already saw the show a year ago and have been waiting for a new season for over a year now.)

I showed her that a trailer came out a few days ago and she got mad at me for having my phone up here WHEN SHE LITERALLY SAID I COULD. So I was just like fuck it and I went downstairs and blasted music to escape reality. Then I started typing this and also looking at depressing quotes on Pinterest. Also it's like 7 pm or so rn.

Idk I'm just saying I won't be able to do a lot on wattpad anymore or until shit goes back to normal. I'm deeply sorry guys.