Worthy (Part 2)

Before and School

It's been five years since that last day with Annie.

And today isn't any easier than that day was. Annie was gone, and she took my heart with her.

I am better. But....not?

Those first two years were...rough...to say the least. I cant ever remember the funeral, or coming home from the hospital.

I didnt ever want to be home...The home I had built for the three of us. The home I hoped to one day fill to the brim with kids with Annie...I drank myself to sleep almost every night, I lived with my parents. Mom took care of Ella, because most days, I couldnt stomach the idea of getting out of bed.

That made it even worse.

I knew Annie would be pissed. I wasnt fathering our daughter. The one beautiful thing i was left with. She was a reminder of Annie. They looked so much alike, they acted so much alike. It hurt.

Don't get me wrong. I love Ella more than anything. But... it also broke my heart.

How could I look in those big sweet eyes and not see Annie looking back at me?

She wouldn't have a mom.

She had me.

What was that supposed to mean? I was dog shit. I didnt know how to raise a baby, I didnt know what it meant to be a girl.

But after a good smack across the face from my mom, and a couple trillion meetings with Dr. Winters.... I was normal again.

On the outside.

I went to work, I attended not only AA meetings but also a grief group, I read all of the parenting books.

On the outside I was killin it.

My baby girl loved me, I loved her. We went on dates together, and adventures. I had a big ass house in the middle of the woods, I had a great job.

Oh, and say goooodbye dad bod.

Since Annie, I couldnt eat there for awhile, and to keep myself busy, I'd go to the gym sometimes three or four times a day.

But on the inside i was only a shell of a person. lonely, i was scared, heart broken. If I let myself think about it even for a second, I'd crumble. I was numb to everything but my love for sweet Ella.

She was the only thing keeping me going and I hated putting that pressure on her.

Ella, and the thought of Annie looking down at me. For a split second, and i swear it was only a second... I thought a life without Annie was impossible... I didnt think I could handle it... but instead of acting on my fleeting thought, I called Dr. Winters.

My bathroom walls were now covered in sticky notes reminding me of why I'm living. They were filled with Ella. "Ellas first day of school" "Walking Ella Down the isle", and also Annie. "Annie wouldn't even be able to look at you" "Be better for both of them"

I've been working on reminding myself that Ella was a part of Annie. My sweet Annie was gone, but now I had Ella. Instead of burying myself in my depression, I focused my energy on her. Making sure she had the best life I could provide. I was trying to build myself back up for her.

She was six now, and starting kindergarten.

Today was her first day, and man was she excited.

I parked the Jeep, the top off, just how baby girl liked it, and she was pulling me towards the door.

Ella: Come on daddy!

How was she this strong? I needed to stop taking her to the gym with me.

We found her classroom, it was FILLED with kids. Some laughing, others crying and wrapping themselves around their parents.