cigarette ;; DISCONTINUED

forty-nine

49: Loosing

Lisa pov
"She's been struggling with her iron deficiency even in our trainee days. Like- she had a lot of good days, where it didn't bother her well-being at all but on other days she was just a shadow of herself", I mumbled and watched as Taehyung fastened her seatbelt.

"She's has been prescripted some medications, which she rarely forgets."

"Did she forget to take them today?", he asked, worry being written all over his face.

I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to tell him the truth. I knew Jennie had been out of it for the past few weeks which most likely resulted in her not taking her meds.

The reason for that probably was Taehyung but I couldn't just say that to his face as he was already feeling guilty enough.

"Drive safely", I said before closing the car door and watching him drive away into the cold night.

Bringing her home and caring about her was the best thing to do with her in that state and since Taehyung didn't want to leave her side we let him bring her to his apartment.

I knew that Jennie would be happy to see him first thing when she opens her eyes again but I also knew that they had to hold a painful conversation to sort out the issues between them.

With a sigh, I stepped back into Aurora. For a few seconds, I watched all those people enjoying themselves, laughing, dancing, drinking.

Seeing them overflow with happiness made me sick of jealousy.

I wanted to be like them, feel free like they did, and have no worries, even if it was only for the split of a second.

But instead, I was in pain, my whole body ached, my heart and mind did too.

I walked past the dance floor and took the stairs upstairs.

I was weak and I felt like I would throw up any minute. It was my mind playing games with me, projecting the pain in my heart onto my physically healthy body.

"Lisa!"

I turned around, expecting someone to be behind me but I was caught off guard by the emptiness of the corridor.

Chills were running up and down my spine and with every breath I took it got harder for me to stand.

Did I just imagine that? I asked myself.

Breathing heavily I turned back around and continued making my way to the balcony.

I felt trapped, the air wouldn't make its way into my lungs and I felt like I would choke any minute.

"Lisa!", the voice called out for me again but this time I didn't turn around.

Instead, I pressed my hands against my ears, not wanting to hear the pained shout again, and ran.

Every step I took hurt and the burden on my shoulders only seemed to get heavier. I had been running away from things for so long, I couldn't even remember how to face my problems.

I reached the door and stormed outside, gasping for air. A drop of sweat was running down my neck as I grabbed the railing, tightening my grip until my knuckles were all white.

My whole body was shaking and as I slowly started to feel dizzy I looked up into the sky, letting out a chuckle.

"Fuck..."

The universe couldn't help me.
The night sky I was standing under couldn't help me.
I couldn't even help myself.

I was trapped in a hole of self-pity and pain, pain that I had caused myself by falling in love with a person that had seemed to be the right one.

"How much longer do you plan on running away?"

Hearing his voice was making me want to run even further, yet it was so comforting.

"I called your name about a dozen times and-"

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear it", I interrupted him.

I wanted to turn around and look at his beautiful face just once more but facing him meant facing my problems and I wasn't ready to do that.

Hoseok was quiet but the silence that he punished me with, was so loud I wanted to scream to make it stop.

He took a deep breath and I noticed how shaky it was.

"When did you plan on telling me?"

My hands let loose of the railing as my whole body just went numb.

"After we sorted everything out? At my deathbed? Never?!"

His voice was getting louder until it eventually cracked. He was crying.

I pressed my eyes shut, only wanting everything to stop. At that point, it didn't matter how he found out.

It didn't matter because it was already too late. The decisions I made couldn't be undone and we both were aware of that.

He was full-on sobbing behind me while I was staring at the stars. There was no use in having thoughts about what we could've done differently, what we could've changed, about all the what-ifs.

I had already done that and it was just a waste of time.

"Look at me when I fucking talk to you!"

Hoseok grabbed my arm, pulling it so I would look at him.

His face was tear-stained, his lips quivering and his shoulders trembling. He was a mess and I could barely stand to look at him.

"It was mine too, Lisa. The baby was mine too."

He let go of my arm and instead tried to wipe his tears from his face. He was miserable to look at but I knew, I was too.

No words would be enough to explain why I did it, no words would be enough for him to understand.

"When did you ever think about me? When did you ever care to think about how I might feel?", he fell onto his knees, his head in his hands.

But no words could describe the pain he was going through either.

"I always did. I always thought about what you would think, how you would feel, how you would react."

My eyes went back to the sky as the darkness was the only thing saving me from just wanting to let it all out.

"But at some point, I couldn't do that anymore. I wasn't myself, Hoseok, I was angry, I was sad, I- I was losing myself."

"But I would've been there!", he suddenly raised his voice again, "I would've caught you, I would've helped you!"

"But your help was never guaranteed!"

In the end, I would've been alone.

I lowered my gaze again, watching as he ran his hand down his face.

"Y'know what, Lisa?"

He looked at me, tears streaming down his face but a smile on his lips.
Slowly he stood up, his legs shaking and it looked like he would collapse any minute.

"Not only did you lose yourself", he mumbled, "but you lost me too."