S U R R E N D E R

chapter thirty one

What is better than a lie? Is there really anything better than to be able to lie to someone without them noticing or second guessing what you're saying? Actually there is one thing, sugar-coating the truth. Truth hurts, truth hurts so damn much mostly when you're able to notice it. Put on a smile, meet people you don't know if you will ever talk to again and then lie, tell them they mean the world to you even if they don't care. Go home, take off your mask and hope that no one will notice because they're not suppose to see who you really are. Life, we just learn to be fake most of the time or there are things, small things that push that button and turn on that switch without us even realizing it happens. But it does. Sometimes we turn that switch on ourselves, we become something else that everyone around us. But not us.

Jennie wasn't a part of any of those cases. She did this to herself because she was so scared of feeling again. Because what was the point? She had seen what liking and falling for someone you're not supposed to does to you, what good could come from that ever again? Love, falling in love, it stopped being in her vocabulary for years and years. She didn't miss it, she didn't look for it, she didn't want to come across it and when she did she pushed it away. That's who she was now, Jane Kim, Jennie Kim had kind of died when her chances of feeling like a human died as well. She didn't want to let anyone affect what she was doing, saying, choosing. Jennie hated that, she hated basing her choices on someone else. She was like that for years, she had the control in her hands and she kind of loved it since no one could hurt her anymore but her own self.

It would be a lie if she said that she didn't hope that one day that would change. But as years passed and she reached 25 she really stopped believing in it which caused her to become even more reckless. And then Lisa came into her life or more like Jennie included herself in Lisa's life. Yeah that's more accurate. And God she hated every second of it, every second that she made her second guess what she had been believing in and living for so many years. Yet she didn't find the courage to leave like she had done with so many people in the past. It didn't make her a bad person to want to leave, it only made her look like an extremely selfish bitch that had the chance to make people her toys. Maybe it was her stupidity or even the fact that she gave Jennie the push to actually consider if she was feeling something that made her fall.

Wow, fall, fall for someone Jennie thought and looked up at the woman standing a few feet away from her talking on the phone with someone that wasn't Jennie, probably with the one that she was going to marry in a month. If only she hadn't let her guard down, if only she was more careful and less care free, if only she had met Lisa years ago. At least she looks happy. If it doesn't work it's not supposed to work, maybe that's what it is, Jennie said to herself and cut off her thoughts when she focused on Lisa's figure again that was now approaching her slowly. She was falling even more without even knowing it, maybe that is what made it better, stronger, realer... The fact that she didn't even know what was happening to her. "How is your hand?" Lisa asked and sat next to the bed that Jennie was sitting for the last twenty minutes since the doctor had left, the painkillers finally kicking in.

"It's better, the painkillers are working so, it'll only get better" Jennie said while keeping her voice low, her eyes looking at Lisa as she flashed her a quick smile to back up her words. If only painkillers could kill any type of pain, Jennie thought and laughed inside her head. "Chaeyoung and Jisoo?" Jennie snapped out of the trance she was in and asked while looking around since she remembers them walking in the room as well. "They are outside, don't worry," Lisa smirked and cupped Jennie's face immediately noticing that there was something grey in the woman's eyes that she couldn't explain. Even if she wanted to look away she couldn't, she could pull back but didn't want to. "There's something wrong with you, what's wrong?" Lisa asked right away and she could swear she could see the tears that gathered in the corners of Jennie's eyes, the woman trying to keep them from rolling down.