S U R R E N D E R

chapter forty one

Letting Go

The art of letting go is painfully beautiful. People who are brave enough and strong enough are those you can actually master it.
I've always considered the art of letting go as a beautifully wrecked masterpiece than only a few people can understand. The more you see the flaws surrounding it , the more you see its worth. The art of letting go is relieving yet hurtful. Watching someone slip out of your hands and going away is painful yet relieving when you see them happy even if that's with someone or somethingelse.
Once you let go, you'll be contented on how things went for them. Even if that means that you'll slowly die on the inside. And when you let them go you wish for the best, you wish that they will never hurt quite as much as you do when you're away from them.

You close your eyes and imagine how it would be if you never left, would it be better? Would the thought of being a breath away from them but still not close enough to make them yours be better than to just get up and leave? There are so many things we don't think about and when the time comes we feel stupid for not seeing it coming right at us for the longest time. Those little thoughts crawl inside your head like small demons that don't seem to leave you alone no matter how many times you beg them to do so. Demons that transform into your best memory that you shared with someone you miss, the best kiss someone gave you or the face that you miss the most and it kills you that every time you close your eyes because you don't seem to escape from it. And in the end you surrender, you have no other choice but to do so since all you've left with is memories.

Lisa read, her glasses hanging low on the bridge of her nose as she held the book in her hands, studying it closely and feeling so personal with all the things that the author was writing. It felt so personal that it made her go in deep thought completely forgetting that she was in the middle of reading this book that had been left in her studio by probably one of her students. Looking back she doesn't remember losing someone like that, she doesn't remember having someone in her life that ended up being away from by her own choice. At least not in that way. Lisa had distanced herself from people not only in her past but recently as well, something that she wasn't proud of at all. In her own head though she didn't feel like she had any other choice.

The one thing that she could not stand about her own self was that she was so hard at opening up and when she eventually did she found herself away from the situation. She hated to admit it but Jennie was the best example of that. It was only two days ago that she last saw her, that night under the apartment complex that Jennie's living at when she opened her damn mouth and told her she loves her again. She wasn't thinking, she doesn't recollect thinking about it before saying it. It was almost like a spark inside her that caused her to speak up and say what she had been feeling. It must have been the first time that Lisa felt the need to say something to her as if she was going to never have the opportunity to tell her again. That was the gut feeling she had that night.

Jennie was pretty much everywhere in her life now. Even when she was not around she seemed to be in every little thing that Lisa would do and the woman was not mad about it all. Everytime she would close her eyes she would see Jennie look back at her while having that mischievous and stupid smile on her lips, the one that could annoy Lisa so much at times but also make her flutter at others. That was the thing with Jennie, she had stepped in Lisa's life in such an unexpected and abrupt way that Lisa didn't even have the time to understand what was going on. It all happened way too fast, way way too fast for Lisa to catch up. It started as a game, a way to help Lisa get over her boring routine and a way for Jennie to get what she wanted. Somewhere along the ride things started changing for both of them.

It was weird for her. Way too weird. She doesn't think that she had ever felt that type of way for someone, not even Evelyn who she knew and had been with since college. Jennie had created such a mess in her head even from the very beginning that caused Lisa to constantly have an internal battle with her own self in order to push all those thoughts out of her head. Did she ever succeed? No. What actually happened was the exact opposite, she fell harder and she knew she was falling but didn't try to stop it.  On her way down she stumbled across Jennie as well, the woman had been falling as well but was too scared to admit as well. If she could risk it she would, she would say fuck it for once, she wouldn't care what other would say if she called off her wedding a couple days before it happened. This is all she needed, a good reason to do so.