S U R R E N D E R

chapter fifty eight

Is this how it's going to feel from now on? My body already started feeling different even though I had my third session out of the eight that I would have to attend. It's not something big but I get easily exhausted, it's not easy to pick myself up in the morning and I have started to hate myself even more since this whole thing started. I hate who I am becoming because it doesn't resemble who I used to be at all. I can't even walk around the block to get things that we need in the house because I'm that tired all the time. I feel bad for Jennie who has to sit through this and feel even more tired because she wants to be by my side. Sometimes I just think that it would be better to just give up but I've managed to give myself a reason to fight and stay alive. Jennie, Jennie and the future that I have been building in my head while sitting on that chair getting chemo or laying on the bed waiting to be my turn to go.

The truth is that I see a future with Jennie, I love the idea of getting through this and building something with her, something that both of us will love equally. What sucks for me is that I'll only keep getting weaker and weaker as time passes by and the thought of not being able to even get out of bed because I'll be that sick makes me want to die now. I'll do it before cancer even attempts to come back, it'll all be over. I know I promised to be more positive but I don't know how, my mind instantly goes to the worst case scenario and it only makes me feel even more hopeless if that is even possible. I can't even eat like a normal person, my throat hurts so much that I can't make anything go down so I just force myself to eat as much as I can take, the last thing I want is to die from hunger.

Lisa looked up from her phone, she closed the notes that she had been writing to almost every single day that passed in order to keep herself sane somehow. Telling everything to Jennie was not always a good idea, the woman had gotten used to Lisa being low in energy or down when it came to her mood but she didn't want to destroy her mood even more by talking about her thoughts on dying and stuff like that. She didn't want to show how weak she was getting day by day, she didn't want Jennie to see her just as a sick person that needs a nurse even though that is exactly what she was now. Pulling herself up Lisa looked around a little bit, catching a glimpse of Jennie who was in the kitchen preparing dinner for both of them and Lisa couldn't help but notice how cute she looked with her apron on.

Smiling to herself she managed to drag her weak and out of energy body all the way to the bedroom since she wanted to change into something more comfortable such as a hoodie that was a little bit more oversized than the one she was currently wearing. Pulling though the closet open she came across something that she didn't remember being there at all, a small bottle that looked like it contained pills of some kind, small pills that you could easily down three at once. "What the..." Lisa said under her breath and read the label that was pasted on it, her heart dropping when she read it clearly immediately drawing a connection and coming to a conclusion in her head. Maybe things were worse than she thought, she never knew that Jennie would be the type of person to be on anti depressant medication but there she was now finding those pills in their closet, the one that both of them use.

"Babe?" Jennie's voice startled her making her jump on the spot, the container of pills falling to the ground and opening, the pills that were left inside spilling on the wooden floor. "What are you doing?" Jennie asked panicked and her eyes immediately fell to the pills that were now scattered across the floor, her heart racing in her chest since she knew that Lisa probably knew what was going on as well. "I should be asking you the same thing, you're on medication?" Lisa asked and you could hear the shock and disbelief in the tone of her voice, her hand pointing at the floor while Jennie's gaze switched from Lisa to the pills and back to Lisa again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Okay Jen, you got this," Jennie said to herself and tried focusing on the paper in front of her but it was difficult to do so while checking over her shoulder constantly, scared that Lisa would wake up and see what she was doing behind her back. Her hands were shaking at the thought of what she was planning, if anyone was qualified to give her any type of drug then that was herself. Anti depressants were always something she kept with her since she was only 19 years old and not old enough or experienced to prescribe them to her own self. As much as she wanted to be okay and keep her calm sometimes she found it hard to do so now that Lisa was going through hell and she could see it with her own eyes. "Alright, you got this," Jennie said to herself almost encouraging herself to carry on and get it over with, as long as she had that prescription she would feel a lot better since the difficult part would pass.