The Death Of Me {Jamilton}

Well, I Royally Fucked Up, Who Wants To Plan My Funeral?

{A/N: The song above I believe represents this couple very well, the female part in my opinion would be Alex, and the male part would be a good equivalent for Thomas, I hope you agree :) enjoy the chapter}

{Thomas's POV}

"Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!" I was shouting into my pillow, sat crosslegged on my bed, groaning audibly, "You're such a fucking idiot!" I grumbled to myself loudly.'

My older sister, Mary, laughed, and I looked up to shoot a glare at her, "We all know you're a huge idiot, Tommy. The real question is; how'd you finally realize it? We've been waiting for you to admit it after all." She spoke with so much sarcasm that it took a massive amount of willpower to not flip her off.

 I hit her with the pillow as I heard her sniggering, "I kissed my crush..."

"Woah! No way, you got a kiss?" She questioned, then added with a smirk, "Who would kiss you?"

"If you would let me finish!" I growled, "Clearly no one would kiss me... That's the point..."

"What'd she do?"

"He actually..." I saw her nod, "... He said we couldn't and then ran off into his apartment... I fucked up, he probably hates me now!"

"Is he straight or something? Maybe he felt awkward about telling you..."

"He told me he was Bi a couple of days ago... And he was blushing when I did it, but he still pushed me away from him and ran off..." I let myself fall back on my ground, and just moments after, Mary sat down on my bed, snatching my pillow from my grasp.

She appeared to be thinking for a second,  "Maybe he isn't allowed to date? Or he could be scared of commitment? Uh, maybe doesn't like you but wants to be polite about it but didn't know how to go about it?" She suggested several possibilities that she'd thought up as reasons why I was rejected.

"... His parents are dead and his cousin isn't strict... The second one? Maybe. But the third one? Alexander isn't polite for the hell of it, he always speaks his mind."

"No-fucking-way, Thomas it's not that Alexander, is it?" Her eyes were so wide they were basically bulging out of her skull.

I rushed to return to my sitting position, "I mean... Yeah... Why? You look freaked out about it."

"Dude! How are you even questioning why he rejected you? Do you not even remember the shit you've said about him? You've terrorized him since he got to your school, you told me some of the stuff you told him, if someone said even half of that to me I would resent them forever!"

"But we're becoming friends!" I tried to reason, although something was telling me that she had a good point.

"So maybe he's forgiving you, but do you really think he'll forget it?" Mary questioned, I suppose she had a reasonable concern, I hadn't really thought of this fact.

As for what she was saying, and why I didn't consider it? Well it had always been a two-way street in my eyes, yes I started it, but Alexander had never hesitated to make a comeback, then again I hadn't known just how broken he really was inside. God, shit, please say I didn't break him further back then, if I had known that behind the arguments and comments was a genuinely cool, funny, and honestly attractive guy, I wouldn't have done that.

I looked at my sister, my gaze filled with worry, "Mary... What do I do? I think I really like him... I can't just let this one drop."

"The best thing for you to do is to apologize, text him or say it next time you see him, maybe you'll be able to talk it over then, but right now, I can't say there's too much hope..."

"Thanks for not being helpful..."

"I'm giving you the best advice I got, take it or leave it." She stood up and walked towards my bedroom door, "That's up to you, Thomas." She exited, shutting the door behind her.

My light was off, so the only thing to break the dull darkness was a faint shine from the sun through my curtains that had a tiny opening between them. I grabbed my pillow, setting it behind me so I could lay back more comfortably. I didn't do anything for at least ten minutes as I contemplated whether or not to take my sister's advice, even though not one of her previous relationships had been successful. Relationships take communication, I know we weren't in a relationship, but I knew I wanted to be, so if apologizing and trying to understand got me even a little bit closer, I was going to try, that's for certain. I pulled my phone out, now the matter was, what do I type?

{Alexander's POV}

I was pacing around my bedroom, looking down at my feet as they shuffled across the wooden planks that made up my floor, that moment playing over and over in my head. He kissed me! Why did he kiss me? Why didn't I kiss back? No! No you idiot, you know exactly why you didn't kiss him back!

He's going to abandon you, Alex, kissing back would just prolong the inevitable.

But, but maybe he genuinely likes me? I don't know why he would, but maybe he does?

No, he doesn't, no one could ever genuinely like you. Who could ever love or care about a bastard like you, someone whose own father rejected him? A whore's son, knowing love? As if, you'll die alone, and you know you will.

I sat down on my bed after nearly tripping once, if my thoughts consumed me more, I didn't need to collapse because of my stupid decision. That was the crux of all my issues, wasn't it? My stupid decisions. I wasn't close enough to help save James from the cruel waves of the hurricane. I often caused my father annoyance, my mother was an angel, there was no way that him leaving was her fault, it had to be something I did. I lost my mother, and I never even got to say goodbye, she was alone in her final moments, I didn't get to speak to her, or hug her, cry with her, I didn't get to hear her speak, or laugh, or sing.

I ruined everything I ever got, and Thomas just handed me a possibly amazing relationship and I didn't even consider it. I didn't even take into consideration that if it turned sour we could end it. I just ran off, and now he probably hated me.

I didn't even know if I would want a relationship with him, things he'd said to me still stuck, it still hurt, I don't know if I can ever forget it, but at the very least I could've considered it instead of just running.

Wednesday | 4:47 PM
Tommy | Hey Alex, look, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I kissed you, I didn't know you wouldn't like it. I don't know what came over me honestly. Just, please forgive me? Tell me if I should come to pick you up tomorrow like normal or not. I understand if you say no. Again, I'm sorry Alex, I really am.