The Death Of Me {Jamilton}

Forgiveness? I Can't Imagine That

{SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING}

{Alexander's POV}

I took a seat in the back corner, sighing before I pulled my stuff out of my bag and setting everything up on my desk. I gently bit at my lip, occasionally stealing a glance at Thomas but trying to avoid Thomas noticing said glances. I wanted to apologize for my reaction, and yet I also didn't, maybe if I could be a decent human being I'd know how to hold a friendship for longer than a week or two... Actually, my friendship with Thomas was the longest friendship I'd had, outside of my friendship with my mother and cousin of course, and I went off and ruined it, and now I couldn't decide whether or not I should apologize? Of course, I should, but here I am, being a fucking idiot, slowly ruining this relationship more and more.

Occasionally, back when my mother was alive, she would convince me to watch some of her romance shows with her, and eventually, I'd get a bit invested, and every time I'd get mad at the fictional couples for not just talking it out and communicating, and yet here I was, playing out that goddamn stereotype, not talking or communicating and just worrying about his many potential reactions. Shit, I'm a romance movie stereotype, and the worst goddamned stereotype there ever was! Why not just kill me now? Take another shot universe, this time I'm asking, no, begging you to, because I have screwed up beyond belief.

Could I tell you what Mr. Washington said that day in class past the upcoming paired project and that we'd get our pairs tomorrow, absolutely not, why would you even bother asking? 

When I did walk out to lunch I saw Thomas sat where we had been sitting together for the past couple of weeks, he turned and sent me a wave but I just hurried off to the bathroom, I had packed myself a small simple lunch, and I could eat it by myself in a stall. I didn't want to admit it, even to myself, but fine, I was scared of confronting him and apologizing for running off, and you know what makes that so ridiculous? He already apologized and tried to reconcile things, so I already knew that it was extremely unlikely that he'd be mad!

Tommy | 12:51 PM
Why do you keep avoiding me?
Tommy | 12:51 PM
I guess you're probably still mad at me...
Tommy | 12:53 PM
Can't we just talk? Even if it's just texting and not face to face?
Tommy | 1:15 PM
You can't ignore me forever
Tommy | 1:21 PM
Please don't take that as a challenge, I really just want to talk!

{Thomas's POV}

I groaned, letting my head hit the desk, then at least I wasn't looking at my phone. Even my teachers were noticing that something had been off, it'd been nearly a week, and every single day I was sending texts that were left on read at best. Some of my teachers did ask about my mood change, but who just tells their teachers that they got rejected and were now being avoided at all costs by their crush... Okay maybe some people did with teachers they were close with, but I didn't really have that with any of my teachers, so it didn't feel right to tell them.

Jemmy told me I shouldn't let this ruin my mood after I'd told him that he was avoiding me at all costs, and I was trying, I was trying hard, but the thought of him looking at me and walking away quickly just coming back to my forethoughts, and that ruined those attempts to get over my rejection.

I eventually had to sit up and finish my lunch so I didn't get myself caught hastily eating macaroni out of a plastic container as I pushed through crowded halls, trying to finish before I arrived at class. At least I had Jemmy in several of my classes after lunch--he'd finally recovered from his cold and returned to school--that did give me a distraction.

Those classes again were quite the blur even with my best friend. How much can you say about essay assignments and math packets? Aside from the corny basic jokes on stop asking me about your X, I don't know Y she left, which I highly doubt is anyone's main concern... Even if I even chuckle at that one every once in a while.

When I had exited the school and got in my car I almost waited and looked for Alexander, but I had to shake my head and begin driving. How many damn times would I have to remind myself that I'm an idiot who fucked this up before it stuck in my head?
At least I was about halfway home, I wanted to just go to my room and wallow in my sorrows... Again.

A ringing suddenly filled the car, and with confusion taking place on my features I quickly answered and set it to speaker, but all I could hear was a scream and a thud, "Hello? Who is this?" I asked quickly. Another thud, followed by choked cries. "Hello?!"
I was quickly getting more concerned and at the soonest possible moment I pulled over and grabbed a hold of my phone to see if this was a known number, since I hadn't looked, I was driving and I didn't want to end up in an accident.

Alex | 0:43
Speaker | End Call

"Alexander?" I mumbled, doing a rather sudden u-turn and speeding in the direction of his cousin's apartment, something was seriously wrong.

{Alexander's POV}

I walked down the street, hands shoved in my pocket, my mind going over what I could get my cousin for Christmas. Truth be told, I was getting worried about Matt, he kept calling me or texting me to tell me that he loved me and how proud he was of me, maybe he thought I needed a mood booster, but it was getting concerning, especially since he tended to sound sad when he was speaking recently.

As I got closer I pulled out my phone, and opened my contacts app, pulling up a specific one, Tommy, aka Thomas's contact, he had been texting me all week with apologies, so I was beginning to consider trying to talk to him again. Fuck it, if I keep staring at it I'm going to come up with some pathetic excuse to not call him, and then I'll be back at square one yet again.

Taking a breath I swallowed my pride and as I unlocked my cousin's apartment door I clicked to call him, pretty quickly the rings were silenced, signaling that he picked up, I was trying to form some words when I looked up, and all that escaped me was a scream.

"Hello? Who is this?" Thomas's words were fuzzy, and my phone escaped my grasp, dropping to the floor with a thunk, and soon after I fell to the floor as well, my legs had felt like jello. My eyes were wide and I stared up at Matt, hanging from the roof, a rope tied around his neck. He was pale and limp, eyes glossed over.

It took several seconds of stunned and shocked silence for my first sob to echo out, my breaths felt like they were being pushed down, my throat felt clogged, and I was struggling to keep breathing with each sob that pushed its way out.

"Hello?!"

"Alexander..?"

Why? Why did death and grief follow me everywhere? My brother died, my father suddenly started having an affair and left, my mother died, now Matt? Why me? Why Me? What had I done to the universe to permit this?

Why did Matt do this? Of all things, he had to remove himself from the world? I had never seen any reason to think he would take his own life, and that left me beginning to wonder if this was my fault at all? Was it because I had moved in with him? Did I stress him out? If I just hadn't moved in with him would he still be here?

Time felt like it was going in slow motion, I was sick to my stomach, I was trying to cry and breathe at the same time, causing an ugly choking sound in the process.

"Alex! Oh my god! Alex!" I didn't even react as arms wrapped around me, I was just staring at Matt, I still felt like puking, and yet also couldn't even manage a full breath with it mixing with a sob and wheezing.

Forgiveness? It's a funny concept. I had believed that Thomas wouldn't be able to forgive me avoiding him, but in truthfulness, Thomas had already forgiven me. As for forgiving myself? I can't imagine that.