The Death Of Me {Jamilton}

I Just Don't Fucking Know Anymore

{Thomas's POV}

Wednesday | 5:56 PM
Alex | Don't.

I snatched my phone up as soon as I heard my notification sound, hopeful, but then I saw the message, and a frown formed on my face. He definitely hated me. Why did I have to go and screw that all up? We were doing well, I thought we were getting closer, but I just had to kiss him on a whim, I didn't even wait to see if there were any hints that he just might like me back.

He hadn't even said that he just wanted a small break or anything, just a blunt don't I can't speak for everyone, but usually such a blunt one-word message, it wasn't meant to be friendly or polite at all.

I had completely screwed this all up, I used to be completely okay with us having an icy spiteful relationship, but then we were getting closer, I wanted to help him, and I started to like him, he clearly was moving back towards icy, and it was starting to make me confused as to what I was feeling, I just don't fucking know anymore.

That night was mostly restless, I did get a few sparse hours, but it wasn't the best, unfortunately. I was tossing and turning, I wanted to do more, but I had already apologized, I had already offered him another ride, he said no. There's nothing more I can do, and I knew that!

Getting ready I grabbed my bag and decided to just make myself a bagel with cream cheese, which I could eat as I drove myself to school.

Quickly I realized that I had started driving toward's Alex's place, and I had to make a u-turn and head to school. I started worrying about him, he told me how he wasn't used to winter, and now he'd be trudging through the snow to school in a crappy hoodie, probably freezing his ass off, and it's my fault that I'd chased him off and made him feel like he couldn't be close to me at all.

"Get your shit together Thomas!" I muttered to myself, a tight frown displayed on my face, "This is your fault! This is your fault!" My voice progressively got louder, but soon I had to stop myself so I didn't distract myself too much and get into an accident.

My phone started ringing, so I quickly grabbed it, swiping to answer and only briefly glancing at my screen so I could put it on speaker, "Hello?"

"Hey, Thomas!"

"Jemmy! Oh thank god, I need another point of view!"

"Well, that was quick.." I heard a raspy chuckle.

"Sick again? Shocker." I teased him, at least I had my best friend to talk to.

I'm relatively sure he was pouting, "You know I always get sick in the winter..."

"Yeah, yeah," I snickered a bit, "Doesn't mean I can't tease you though."

He audibly sighed, "Anyways... What's that thing you needed another point of view on?"

"Hm? Oh! OH! Right!" I wanted to smack myself for forgetting about that, "So I've got this crush... I kissed him yesterday, but he shoved me away and said we couldn't. I texted him a long apology and asked if I should give him a ride, all he said was don't. Do you think he hates me?"

I heard Jemmy suck in a hiss of a breath, "Yikes. Okay... So you kissed this guy you're crushing on? And he rebuffed your affections?"

"I-I guess..."

"What happened after he shoved you back?"

"He ran out of the car, didn't let me get in another word, and he barely acknowledged my apology text... Did I screw up Jemmy?"

"Hm... It's complicated, to be honest, I guess it depends on how he normally acts in complicated situations. Does he always go cold, or is he normally more receptive to apologies?"