teacher's pet | taekook

TwENTY NiNE { helpless }

"Jungkook," Taehyung whispered.

Jungkook hadn't spoken a word since their "honest" conversation a few hours ago. He now lied with his back to Taehyung, curled up in the majority of their comforter. He couldn't be asleep, they just slid into bed a few minutes ago.

Taehyung could take the silence well; he was content enough with the fact that he wasn't locked away again or in the bath for what he said. But this silence bothered him so much more, because he caused it. He upset Jungkook so badly that he cried — that image will haunt him forever. Of course he will feel guilty for that, at least until he gets explicit forgiveness.

But how was he ever going to get forgiveness when Jungkook wouldn't acknowledge his existence?

"Jungkookie..."

He gently poked Jungkook's shoulder, but he didn't budge. A familiar anxiety settled in Taehyung's throat. Jungkook's stiffness... it reminded him of Yoongi. Jungkook wasn't dead; he knew that. He could see the rise and fall of his breathing, he could hear it if Taehyung held his own breath, but that didn't stop the dread from suffocating his throat.

He carefully scooted closer to him and poked his back again. Jungkook didn't give him any kind of reaction.

"Are you dead?" he asked quietly.

Jungkook still didn't react — even to a question like that! So Taehyung settled ever closer beside him and snaked his arms around Jungkook's waist. He pressed his nose against the nape of Jungkook's neck, and gently squeezed him in his embrace. Now he could feel the rise and fall of his chest, and he could feel his heart, pumping blood, gently beating against his ribcage.

He was alive. And while Taehyung couldn't be quite content without some form of forgiveness, he would survive. He would survive if he were blind and deaf and mute, if Jungkook never spoke to him directly, as long as he was with Jungkook — well, that's not new information now, is it.

✗

"Learned helplessness: a condition wherein a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression."

Huh...

Taehyung found the definition in one of Jungkook's books; a small one reporting about seemingly random psychological theories. It caught his eye when he finished the latest YA novel Jungkook bought for him. Jungkook still refused to talk to him in depth, so he needed to find something else to do — i.e., something else to read. The cover of this psych book looked interesting and sophisticated, so he only wanted to take a peek at it.

To Taehyung, and based on the theory's definition, it sounded like he was supposed to be suffering from learned helplessness by now.

He has been through a traumatic event — check — and he has failed time and time again to escape and-slash-or be good — check. But, inside, he didn't feel all that helpless; perhaps he's not as helpless as he should feel. For the most part. He still felt like he should resist more, he still felt resentment and anger and sadness and hurt, but he wasn't really... doing anything with those feelings. Not anymore. Not after all the baths he's had and the extended punishment in that horrid empty room. He was just experiencing those feelings and letting them go away on their own, because what's the point of resisting and fighting when it's going to end in punishment and suffering anyway?