Help Me Survive

II: Rain

The song used is entitled Trying My Best by Anson Seabra. Listen to the video in the media above to feel the story.

TRIGGER WARNING: The use of S-word and D-word ahead

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Chapter 2

Saturday morning came. 'Di ko na naman ineexpect na magigising ulit ako.

Nakakatawa 'no? Lahat ng tao gustong-gusto na magising pa kinabukasan.

Ako lang ata ang hindi.

Bago pa ako umiyak ulit ay pinili ko nalang na mag-ayos para makagawa na ng mga schoolworks tutal ay walang pasok. Baka kasi mapagalitan na naman ulit ako at matawag na bobo.

Gusto ko munang ipahinga ang mga tenga ko sa pakikinig sa mga masasakit na salita nila. Kahit sanay na ako napapagod din ako sa pagtanggap ng mga ganung salita.

While doing my schoolworks, I thought of listening to music while the rain is pouring. It makes me calm everytime na makikinig ako sa music habang umuulan ng malakas.

I know you think I got it all figured out

'Cause I walk around like my head's in the clouds

But I'm just a boy with his heart pouring out of his head

Great! Sa lahat ng pwedeng tumugtog 'yan pa talaga. I mean the song is not bad natatamaan lang ako sa kanta.

I wish that you could see the pain that I've seen

And all of the times I spent being not me

I hope you know that it's not always happy in my head

Happy. Kailan ko nga ulit naramdaman 'yon? I can't remember a time where I became happy. Para bang pagkagising ko isang araw puro nalang lungkot at pighati ang aking nadarama. It's like I was born only to feel sadness, longing and agony.

'Cause I don't know

The perfect road to go down

But I know

I'm trying my best

I'm trying my best to be okay

I'm trying my best but every day it's so hard

Yeah, I'm really trying my best always but it's getting harder and harder. In the end, after doing my very best it will still be not enough.

I feel good listening to this song. The music is stating what I feel every second of my everyday. It's like the song is made for me.

And I'm holding my breath

I'm holding my breath 'til I can say

All of the words I wanna say from my heart

I hope I can say everything I want to say. But I'm too weak to do it. I can't say to them what I truly feel.

I know I'm being a coward but I can't stand another disappointing and hurtful remarks from them.

Sa kakaisip ko, hindi ko namalayan na tapos ko na palang gawin ang schoolworks ko. I'm glad nagawa ko pa rin ang mga ito ng maayos kahit lutang na lutang ako.

I stood up from my study table and leaned closer to the window. Peacefully watching the raindrops that is falling on my window pain.

I sighed. Kailan kaya ako magiging malaya talaga? 'Yong tipong hindi mo na kailangang kalimutan kung sino ka talaga para lang ma prove mo ang sarili mo.

Kailan kaya dadating ang panahon na matatanggap ka nila without any conditions? Pero dadating pa kaya ang panahon na 'yan? O baka hindi na.

Baka kapag wala na ako saka nila ako matanggap ng buo. Nevermind, aasa lang ulit ako sa wala.

Baka ganito na talaga ang magiging takbo ng buhay ko. I need to be someone else just to please them. Nakakapagod na. Kaya gustong-gusto kong kumawala.

With mindset like this, I can only think of one way to escape this living hell. That is through d*ath. But like I said, I am not su*c*dal so I'm just hoping and let nature take its course.