Help Me Survive

XX: Broken Coastline

Chapter 20

Nakalagpas na kami sa subdivision namin nang biglang magsalita si Peace.

"We'll go to a coffee shop quite far from here. You know, mukha kang problemado and a coffee shop overlooking nature is good for the emotions."

Napatango nalang ako sa sinabi niya at tumungin sa labas ng bintana. Napabuntong-hininga siya marahil 'di na kinaya ang katahimikan kaya binuksan niya ang stereo.

A familiar and favorite song of mine lingered inside the car.

I've been driving a broken coastline

Holding on to everything I want

The song brought me into another galaxy. Para bang hinahalina ako nito at dinadala sa isang lugar na tahimik, lugar na aking inaasam.

I've been trying to make this all mine

Pushing faster before the light is gone

Dahil sa pagkahalina ay 'di ko namamalayang napapasabay na pala ako sa pagkanta.

"I didn't know that you like that song." Chaos interrupted my solemnity.

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. How did he know that I like it?

He probably saw my confused face that's why he chuckled and said, "Chill, halata kasi sa mukha mo na gusto mo 'yan."

"No, I love it actually. I use to watch la casa de papel and that song captured my heart. Just like the movie, malalim din ang ibig sabihin ng kanta na 'yan."

"How? La casa de papel is all about roberry."

"That's how most people perceive it. It's not that petty na puro nakawan lang. Kung susuriin ng malalim,the movie pays attention to history, art, and philosophy. Example is when they disguised themselves on duty with masks, they resembled the Spanish artist Salvador Dalí, who famously sported an exaggerated mustache."

Napatitig si Chaos sa akin na may namamanghang mga mata. Para bang hindi siya makapaniwala sa aking mga tinuran.

Kalaunan ay hinayaan niya na rin ako at binalik ang tingin sa daan. Patuloy pa rin ang pakikinig ko sa kanta at muling sinabayan ito.

Would you know me if I walked through your doorway?

Would you hold me like you've done before?

Will there be a place for me If I can't drive anymore?

Natapos na ang kanta at muli kaming nalagay sa katahimikan.

"I want to know Myst, of all songs, bakit broken coastline?"

Mapait akong ngumiti sa bintana. "Because that song reflects not my personality, not my wholeself but my deepest desires and questions."

Huminga ako ng malalim at pinahin ang namumuong luha sa mga mata ko.

"I've been so lost in the dark for how many years. I've been wandering in the infinite abyss of darkness. The song said 'would you know me if I walked through your doorway' ganiyan ang tanong ko. May makaalala pa kaya sa akin? After all, all I did was to meet their expectations and try not to disappoint  them. 'Pag ba pagod na ako sa lahat may lugar pa rin akong mapupuntahan? May kinabibilangan pa rin ba ako kapag sumuko na ako sa pag-abot ng gusto nila at hindi gusto ko?"

"I've been fighting internal battles, trying to win one after another. Pero napapagod din naman ako. Masama bang minsan piliin ko rin ang sariling kaligayahan? Masama na ba ako kung nanaisin kong magpahinga at sabihing tama na? Kasi ubos na ubos na ako e. Lahat ginawa ko para sa kanila. Lahat binigay ko para sa kanila. Hindi na ba talaga pwedeng minsan sarili ko naman isipin ko?"

This time, 'di ko na napigilan at kusang tumulo na ang mga luha ko. Pinipilit kong patigilin ito at paulit-ulit ko itong pinupunasan. Pero ayaw talaga magpapigil.

Kailan ba 'to mauubos? Kanina pa ako iyak nang iyak pero may infinite supply yata ako ng tubig sa katawan kaya 'di nauubos ang luha ko.

Just like the song broken coastline, I've been doing everything. But the question still remains, will there be a place for me? For others yes, for me there is none.