Help Me Survive

XXVII: Brave

Chapter 27

Another morning. I stared at the ceiling as I feel the emptiness surrounding me. But I am stronger now. Kung noon siguro magpapakain ako sa sakit, ngayon hindi na. I have learned alreeady. Tama na ang pagbibigay ko ng sakit sa sarili ko.

Hindi ko alam kung anong motibasyon ang nagdala sa akin para mapunta dito sa clinic ni  Dra. Galmo.

"Doctora?" I said as I opened the door.

Nakita ko siya. Nakaupo sa kaniyang upuan habang malaki ang ngiti na sumalubong sa akin.

"Ms. Rivera, I'm so glad to see you. Himala at hindi mo kasama si Chaos." I smiled bitterly.

"Yeah, but I am here to discuss about my condition. Doc, can I stop the medication? I promise I'll be good. Hindi na ako mag-iisip ng mga bagay na makakapagpalala ng depresyon ko. I'll heal from the inside. I'll cure my brokenness," I said without a single fuss.

Late ko na rin kasi na-realize 'yan. That the true form of healing is not based on medication, it is not based on how many people helped you or how many times you go for check ups.

True healing is by accepting yourself for who you are. True healing is by letting yourself free from the chains that cages you. It is by loving yourself and knowing your worth.

And that is what I lack. Hindi ko minahal ang sarili ko. Iniisip ko lang na nabubuhay ako para gampanan ang gusto nilang gawin ko. Upang pangatawanan ang personalidad na nais nilang maging ako.

I never loved myself dahil sinasaktan ko ang sarili ko. I hurt myself many times thinking that it is fine since I am used to pain.

But with what happened these past few days, the rejection of Chaos, my parents barging into my apartment, the words from Peace, I realized how much I took myself for granted. I always say people took my kindness to their advantage, without knowing that I, myself is placing my self in pedestal.

"That's great Tanleigh. My patients always seem to be hopeless, they seem to be dependent on the medications. But the truth is, healing is from the inside, we are just here to guide those who are diagnosed with mental disorders or illnesses. It is up to the person if he/she wants to help himself/herself in the process of healing."

Namangha ako sa sinabi niya. I never expected her words to be this pure.

"And I am glad you realized that. I am proud of you. You saw the thing that Erschel didn't." Lumungkot ang mga mata nito.

I know, she loves Erschel too much. Marahil ay napakahalaga talaga nito at napaka-rare para mahalin siya ng mga taong nakapalibot sa kaniya. Maging si Chaos ay hindi siya kayang bitawan. But thanks to her, nakilala ko si Chaos, without her maybe wala akong makikilalang handang tumulong sa akin.

I smiled at her showing how genuine I am towards her. I took a step closer, yumuko ako at niyakap siya ng mahigpit.

"Thank you  so much, dra. Galmo. Without you and Chaos, I wouldn't be where I am now. Without your help, I wouldn't realize things and maybe I'll get stuck to where I am."

Umayos na ako ng tayo at ngumiti ulit sa kaniya. "I'll be going."

Tanging tango lang ang nagawa niya sa kabila ng mabilis na pagtulo ng kaniyang mga luha. She played a huge part of my healing. And for that, I'll forever be thankful.

Nang makalabas sa mukhang bahay na hospital or clinic ng mga psychiatrist ay agad na nabungaran ko si Peace. Nakasandal sa sasakyan niya na tila ay kanina pa naghihintay.

"What are y-" hindi na natapos ang aking sasabihin ng yumakap ito sa akin.

"I know na kinausap mo si dra. Galmo, narinig ko ng kaunti ang usapan niyo. Pero bilang respeto, hindi ko na tinapos. Alam kong importante ang sinabi mo tungkol sa tuluyan mong paggaling. I want you to know that I am proud of you."

Yakap-yakap niya pa rin ako habang sinasabi ang mga katagang 'yon. And because of that, I smiled. Tama ang desisyon ko.

"I am proud. You are now brave."