Help Me Survive

XXVI: Emotions

Chapter 26

After that hug, inuwi niya ako sa condo.

"Will you be fine?" He asked as he settled me on the couch.

I nodded. I am too tired to speak right now.

"Okay, guess I'll be leaving then. I know you need privacy. Just call me when you need someone. I already saved my number on your contacts." He smiled once again before heading towards the door.

I rested my head on the backrest of the couch. I stared blanky at the ceiling. I am exhausted, emotionally drained. But still, may parte sa akin na naging magaan. Maybe because I finally said my feelings. Regardless of the outcome, I have fully let my feelings be known with pure honesty.

Wala pang sampung minuto ay narinig kong may nagbuzz sa pintuan. I don't want to entertain visitors as of the moment but my curiosity bugs me. Sino naman ang bibisita sa akin ng ganitong oras?

I inhaled deeply before standing up. I looked at my reflection on my phone's screen. My eyes isn't puffy though, it won't be obvious that I cried.

As I walk to the door, hindi ko alam pero I have this gut feel that whoever is my unexpected visitor, I surely won't like his/her visit.

Kabado man, tinatagan  ko ang loob ko at binuksan ang pinto ng condo.

"Yes, how may I help you?" Nawala ang nagbabadyang ngiti ko nang makita kung sino ang nagbuzz.

"Mystica." My mother's cold voice echoed around the deserted hallway.

She immediately went inside without my permission and even bumped my shoulders purposely para lang mawala ako sa dinadaanan niya.

"Just so you know, we are greatly disappointed of your actions nowadays," my father whispered as he was passing by me.

Shit!  I mentally cursed. Pagod na ako ngayong araw. Puwede ba, pagpahingahin niyo muna ako?

I quickly followed them in the living room. Prenteng nakaupo si daddy habang nakatayo pa rin si mommy at in-e-inspeksyon ang sala ko na halos wala pa ring gamit maliban sa couch, tv at cabinet.

"S-so what brings you here, mommy and daddy?" I kept both of my hands on my back to cover my nervousness. I don't want them to see how shaky my hands are.

"I believe you know the mere reason why we are here, Tanleigh Mystica," mommy said as she elegantly sat beside daddy.

"We've heard about you still sticking with that Chaos boy. I also heard you are slowly losing interest on academics and your average actually dropped to 0.3. Is that what you call a good influence Tanleigh?" I know my dad is serious right now. He often calls me Myst but with him saying my full first name, it is already enough signal for me to know that I am indeed in trouble.

I shook my head and bowed lightly. Alam ko kasalanan ko. I was so engrossed with the thought of healing and Chaos that I forgot those things that I needed to maintain. Those things that became my very reason to still strive. Those things that I call 'my dream'.

Studying is my only key to keep me distracted from the pain. Before met Chaos, nandiyan na ang pag-aaral ko para tulungan ako. It serves as a distraction yet pinabayaan ko. I know this is my fault.

I faced them with no fear. "Yes, indeed it is y fault. Indeed I did a mistake in putting my academics on pedestal. I am sorry if I disappointed you. I'm sorry if I choose my healing over anything else. Yes, healing, I am clinically depressed and I know you won't believe me. Sino ba naman ako para paniwalaan niyo?"

Kitang-kita ko ang gulat sa kanilang mga mata.

"I am so attached to Chaos because he helped me when I was at the worst. He helped me cope up and heal myself. I am not breathing in this world without him. You disowned me like a worthless puppy, you have thrown me away like I am not your daughter. Suicide is my next card but he came showing the light. Now can you say that he is indeed a bad influence? Can you blame me if I just have realized that I need to heal myself first before choosing your happiness before mine, again?

Kahit nagmamatapang ako, kusa pa ring tumulo ang aking mga luha. Agad ko itong pinalis at ngumiti ng maliit.

"Lock the door when you leave." I left them speechless and in a shocked state. Of course, they would be shocked. Hindi nila alam 'yon, paano kasi wala silang pakialam.

I heard my front door closed. I smiled a little. Nakakagaan nga ng loob ang pagsasabi ng totoo. Hindi tama na sinagot ko sila, but if telling them the truth about what I am feeling makes me okay, then I'll risk it. If it'll help me with my healing, I am more than fine to act brave enough and  tell them my true emotions.

I am tired of pretending, maybe it's time to show and unravel my deepest and purest broken emotions.