La Familia

Be Alright

Zucca

"Emotional trauma made you stronger?"

But i didn't need to be stronger. I needed to feel loved, listened to, and not feel ashamed. It's hard keeping up with a facade of what you aspire to be and constantly be told...

"You're not as good as how you potray yourself on social media."

"You're not as gentle in real life."

"You're actually not as flawless as what you look a like on social media."

By the people you constantly live your life with and love deeply.

When your self image is already distorted from childhood and you spent your whole life building it up again, it's so easy to get it destroyed.

Do I not deserve to believe that I am good enough?

I know I am full of flaws, I am a damage good, rough on all edges. I am scarred. I do not know how it is to be gentle and forgive and be kind and just be good.

I'm not a good person.
I'm not a good person.
I know.
I just want to be.

I'm gutting my inside trying my fucking best to fit the image of a good son, a good brothers, a good role model, a good partner. On days like this I give up on all I have always aspired to be.

I will never be good enough.

I have never had the courage to talk about it because how could I without sounding so ungrateful? I have roof over my head, food fulfilling my stomach, warm clothes, a soft mattress, emotional support, a family to come home to.

But how can I have these symptoms of a person who have never had any of those things I know I have?

That's why right now I stop sending pragraphs, stopped begging, I stopped telling people how to treat me, and start walking away, blocking, and distancing myself. Life my be lonely, but it's becoming peaceful. Sometimes being alone in life is better than being surrounded by half ass people.

Beberapa tahun terakhir, gue sering banget tidur sambil nangis. Gak tau apa yang ditangisin. Tapi sedih aja. Terus gue mikir, oh... Kalau gue sesedih ini waktu sendiri, pasti ada yang gak beres sama gue.

Pernah ngerasain hal yang sama?

Semua pikiran yang muncul waktu kita tidur, adalah hal yang biasanya gak bisa kita ungkapin ketika kita 'bangun'.

Perasaan-perasaan yang pernah sampai. Kata dan keyakinan hati yang udah lama dipendam. Rasa ragu sama diri sendiri. Pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang gak ada jawabannya. Dan itu tandanya... Semua pikiran yang muncul di kepala kita menjelang tidur adalah 'apa yang kita rasakan dan pikirkan' sesungguhnya.

Jadi kalau hari ini lo masih gak bisa tidur, nangis pas malem dan hati lo sakit sampai terlelap aja sulit... Ketahuilah kalau lo gak lagi baik-baik aja.

Embrace it.

Sadar dan kenalin apa yang diri lo rasain. Jangan ditolak dan terus menerus dihindari perasaannya. Terima kalau memang lo butuh waktu untuk lewati fase 'gak baik-baik aja' itu.

Karena itu bagian dari diri lo.

Profesi gue yang bisa dibilang sebagai pendidik atau pengajar, gue banyak menemukan hal-hal yang kadang dirasain sama murid-murid gue itu relate banget sama kehidupan gue. Cerita tentang ini, itu, dan hal-hal lain kadang ngebuat gue kayak, "Gue pernah kok ada diposisi lo". Ketika mereka ragu, gue selalu sampaikan sama mereka.

Gak apa-apa kalau belum tahu mau apa, gak apa-apa juga kalau gak mau ngikutin massa, gak harus sama biar diterima, walau sama bisa mudah diterima. Kalau kamu merasa harus berdiri sendiri lakukan saja, gak semua perjalanan harus dilalui bersama. Kadang dalam sebuah pencarian kita butuh fokus lebih tanpa bantuan, asal keyakinan kamu kuat dan tidak menyalahi aturan. Jadi, gak ada salahnya mencoba.