Cricket: Ember's Story

The Shadow

I'm up at three this morning. Adam always used to say three a.m. is the Witching Hour, the height of night's power, when you are most likely to encounter spirits who need its energy to manifest. He told me, "If I wake up at three a.m. I still pull the covers over my face before I can see anything, just like I used to when I was a kid, and you should too." I haven't seen any ghosts though, and it's not the paranormal that's keeping me up.

Cricket has been crying on and off all night, and West and I are taking shifts; changing his diaper, feeding him or just rocking him until he's calm again. He is so scared in this unfamiliar room with these unfamiliar people, and my heart breaks for him.

The cry pierces the black silent night and makes my eyelids spring open. Since I'm already awake I decide to take this "shift", and I slide out of bed, shuffle to the crib and reach down to pick up the baby.

"Quiet or you'll wake up all the ghosts," I whisper to him with a smile.

Cricket sees my face and stops fussing, but I keep on holding him until he fully falls back to sleep again. I want him to get used to my arms, become okay with falling asleep in them, and I know that will take time. Once I've settled him back down in his crib, I shake West awake.

"It's your turn next time he wakes up," I whisper. "I'm gonna go downstairs and have a cigarette- can't sleep."

"'Kay," West says softly.

I lean into the crib and give Cricket a quick kiss, then give one to West before grabbing my lighter and cigarettes.

"Hey!" West says just before I leave.

"What?"

He sits up in the bed and reaches for me, and I walk into his embrace.

"I just now really understood what you said. It's the middle of the night, Ember. Be careful," he says.

"I'm always careful," I say dismissively.

"Just be extra careful, okay?"

I wrap my arms around his neck, his head against my belly, and for a long time we stay like that. I breathe in the smell of him. Everything is oddly still in this moment. My heart is so full. How did I get this guy? This amazing, beautiful, funny guy who's crazy about me? I say a silent prayer of thanks to Anyone who might have played a part in my happiness.

———————

The summer night is sweltering, every bit as hot as the day I gave birth to Cricket in that bathroom almost exactly one year ago. Cricket's first birthday is next week. West and I planned a party for him... but that was before I made the decision to return him. The thought drives a hot spike of pain into my heart. I can't get West's words out of my head. Maybe this isn't the right decision...

A mosquito lands on my arm, but it flies away before I can smash it. The muggy warmth of the air sends me back to countless nights of sleeping on the streets or in our squats, flicking the bugs away and trying to get cool enough to drift off, even if only for an hour. I remember hearing the coughs and sniffles of endless, miserable summer illnesses, and the buzzing, painful nuisance of an empty belly gnawing on my rib bones.

My hand actually goes to my stomach as I remember the Chipotle I had with West earlier tonight. The memories are so real I have to remind myself that I'm not hungry.

It was hell when I was pregnant with Cricket and craving every restaurant up and down the block with only a couple bucks in my pocket. And I could only steal food when Jesse wasn't around because he'd get suspicious about my huge appetite.