Cricket: Ember's Story

Torn Apart

It's Christmas Eve morning and I have a visit with Cricket at ten. Rare bright sunlight is reflecting off the buildings downtown, blinding me with angelic white light. I love downtown at Christmas; the decorations, the twinkling lights, the people with all their shopping bags that are far too easy to swipe. That's how we've always survived the holiday season on the streets. Swipe and sell, swipe and sell, maybe sometimes swipe and keep. The Christmas season is a time of abundance for regular people, homeless people and criminals alike. It's the one time of year you don't have to scrounge around so damn hard all the time, and because of that our group always welcomed it.

I bought Cricket a Christmas present. It's pretty dumb, but I thought it was cute: a big soft "egg" with a zipper and handle and all these cute little plush dinosaurs inside of it. It cost as much as just one of the bigger dinosaur plushes the toy store had, and I figured he would have more fun with the variety even if they are smaller.

It was a rare moment of me spending money. Most of what I've made since the day we got robbed under the bridge has been safely gathering dust in West's bank account, where it belongs now that we're in this together. I feel so much safer without having a bunch of cash on me all the time, and every day I regret not doing it sooner. I just wasn't sure how much I could trust West until now. I needed to feel safe with him, and now I do. It helps that he lets me look at it anytime I ask, and he keeps this piece of paper with numbers all over it to keep track of what's his and what's mine so that not a single dollar of mine disappears. The eventual goal is that it'll all be ours and we won't have to keep track on the paper anymore, but I'm not all the way there yet. It's hard to let go when you've held onto whatever you have so tightly your whole life. Sometimes it's even hard to peel your own fingers off of it.

Soledad Cruz says I look great today. No, really. These are her exact words: "Wow, Ember! You look like a different person today! You look great!"

I blush. "I found a place to live. Permanently. It has a shower that I can use everyday, so I guess you've never seen me so clean..."

That shower is nice too. Spacious. I know that because West and I are usually in there together doing anything but getting squeaky clean.

She laughs. "Not what I meant! I mean there is a brightness to your face that I've never seen before."

"Really?" I ask, putting both hands on my cheeks like I can feel what she's talking about.

Cruz nods. "Really. Some kind of weight has been lifted from your shoulders."

"It's probably because I left my boyfriend," I say.

I kind of mumble it because I don't want her getting all excited. Of course, she does, but I try not to let it bother me. It's sorta nice to have someone other than West giving a shit about me, even though it's also embarrassing.

"That's great! So you got a place to stay, let go of your boyfriend and-"

"I'll finish the rest of the requirements when I get a job. Well, except going to the meetings. I still have those left."

"I am very proud of you, Ember."

"Thanks," I mumble.

"No, really. I had my doubts. I had them big time, if I'm being honest with you," she says. "That day I told you that you couldn't take Cricket to live with your boyfriend if he's still using, I thought it was over. I did not think I'd see you again."

"I thought it was over too. For a long time," I say. "But then something happened."

West happened. But, really, I think it was West coming into my life right as I lost everyone else that did it. I wasn't sure I could be okay on my own without Jesse, Adam, Gus or Hex, but now that I've been forced to be, I found out that I'm stronger than I thought. The grief still hurts like hell and comes out of nowhere, but I'm living with it.