losing you. || markhyuck

6. d.h. x l.m.

Everything hurts.

Groaning I open my eyes and immediately remember yesterday.

He died. Donghyuck died.

Tears are falling down again and I don't bother to stop them.

But I don't make a sound.

It doesn't change anything.

I stand up holding my head and state out of the door.

Just slipping into some shoes and leave the building.

I start to walk faster and faster and suddenly I run.

Before I can even consider where to go, my heart has already leaded me to the destination.

A bridge.

Over the han river.

Like automatic my feet swing over the railing and I'm sitting on top of it.

One wrong movement and I'm gone as well.

Connected with him.

I move a tiny bit forward.

And one more time.

I'm so near to the edge, that a wisp of wind could push me over.

I could die now.

Why shouldn't I kill myself?

There's nothing holding me onto this fucking place.

The question is not what's the reason of leaving.

More like what's the reason to stay.

And there is none.

I'm impossibly alone.

Nobody's gonna catch me if I fall.

Nobody's loving me, nor caring about me.

So why should I stay?

I could just let it go, just give up.

I don't even think about it.

I've already decided.

I breathe one last time as I move further.

But something is holding me back.

"Don't."

"Why shouldnt i? There's no reason to stay."

"Me. Johnny. Taeyong. Yuta. Jaehyun. Taeil. We're all here for you."

I laugh harshly "you? You're all liars. When would you've ever been there for me."

He doesn't answer. Just pulls me on my upper body, down from the rail.

"Why can't you just let me die as well? I don't want this anymore! I don't want to feel once more."

His grip is hurting but I can't take it away.

And i fall backwards.

Direct on top of him.

But his grip just gets tighter and my try to escape fails.

Ten frowns and looks annoyed. "I don't care what you want to do. You're coming with me now. He takes me into Johnny's car, sits down on the drivers seat and buckles my seatbelt.

I'm too weak to fight back so I let him do.

Raindrops fall onto the car roof, like my tears.

I close my eyes and fall into nothing once more.

We're inside the living room and I'm lying on the couch.

On the yellow one.

Around me mostly familiar faces, but also some I don't know.

"He's awake."

Thanks taeil.

"How are you feeling?"

"You know, I'm feeling awesome, never felt better before. Thanks for this unpredictable question."

"Stop acting like a little bitch. You're not the only one who lost him."

And he is right.

But that doesn't make it hurt less.

My glance falls on the table in front of me, explicitly said, on a small, inconspicuous box.

Nobody's talking and I'm wondering why we're all gathering here.

I slowly approach the box and take it, I'm not really sure by myself what exactly makes me so curious about it, but it kind of attracts me, so I just have to examine it.

Neither kun to my left, nor anyone else seems to care what I'm about to do, so I'm just opening it quietly, gentle untieing the ribbon, which holds it together.

I look inside and am viewing a cassette.

Next to it a written note in a painful familiar handwriting

for my friends.

I cant exhale properly, so I just bear a suffocating noise and some people exchange weird glances.

I want to show them what I found, shout it out loudly and watch it all over, but I can't bring out a word.

My fingers brush over the rough top of the cassette, just like his did before.

I don't know if we even own a cassette recorder, but I need to find one anyways.

First of all I have to show the others, they deserve to know as well.

Under heavy breathing i just put it into Johnny's lap, he's definitely the person I define the less as a liar and cheater. And he was there for my donghyuck, when I wasn't.

He raises his head and his empty eyes meet mine.

I'm mouthing towards him that it's from donghyuck and he seems to understand, because he looks more interested in that thing.

As he realizes what it is, his eyes widen and he stares at me with an open mouth.

I nod back, yeah it's exactly what he thinks it is.

His mouth opens more and he gently pushes ten, whispering something in his ear and showing the cassette.

Latter looks like he is about to shout and points at kun. Johnny says something and now ten is about telling kun about my serendipity.

He is looking really bad, probably as me. His normally sparkling eyes are matte, his carefully styled hair messy and his clothing old.

Resembling my feelings.

Kun doesn't show any emotions as usual and just goes along with the chain, telling the next ones, probably he is the person donghyuck asked to leave the box here.

I'm not sure if it doesn't affect him, or if he just doesn't like to reveal his weakness and feelings to others, but I admire his strength, something I don't have.

Slowly but certain everyone has been told about the cassette i discovered and some people are heading out to search for a device to play it.

Then taeyong and a strange guy come back with something, probably exactly the fitting widget.

The set everything up, but I decide to watch them in silence, to plug in the connectors and trying to start it.

I guess it's pretty old, so they take some times to even turn it on, but eventually a flickering screen appears and they can put the cassette inside.

I begin to sweat, I'm not ready to get confronted with the situation yet.

I want to jump from that couch and hurry out, but on the other side I have to seize every opportunity I get to remember him.

So I stay.

And the video starts.