losing you. || markhyuck

3. d.h. x l.m.

l.m.

I'm sitting on the yellow couch in the living room.

I still remember it as yesterday how he complained about it.

"This color is ugly. It looks like poke. Who the heck would but a yellow couch anyways?"

But as we bought it against his will, he was the one using it, he never left it and would get mad if someone else would sit there while he wants to.

I fucking miss him.

But probably he is sitting together with stupid Qian kun, having fun, planning their future together and has forgotten me completely.

I still refuse to talk to one of those crooks.

I think they are scared of me as well but I dont care.

About anything.

Not this strangers inside the dorm.

Not the guy I used to love.

I walk into the next room, open the cupboard, just to discover a lock.

This fake assholes.

So I have to go to the next grocery store, what I do immediately.

I probably look like an alcoholic homeless person, what I basically am.

Well the first thing though.

I reach it within two minutes and send successfully inside the shop.

Suddenly a stranger holds me back, talking nonsense.

I roll my eyes annoyed and ignore them, I don't like to get interrupted by anyone.

But they don't give up and eventually i understand her endless blabbering.

She seems to have recognized me and now wants informations about donghyucks leaving or such a thing and she really thinks I would tell her something?

Well I don't know anything more than her, probably less.

According to her acting, she must have noticed I do give a damn fuck about her, so she starts to back up and leaves me alone.

Finally I can grab my bottles and pay, also taking a bag because of the volume.

It's pretty expensive and I have no idea how much money's left on the card, most likely it's nearly empty.

I walk outside again and see my mirror picture inside a shop window.

Odd they even recognized me.

Dull eyes, messy hair and oversized smelly clothes.

But that's how I feel, lost.

I dont know my goal, I have no idea anymore how I'd like my future to be like.

Yes, I've been sure it would be with the love of my life.

But I guess that was stupid.

And honestly I'm scared.

Scared how everything will turn out and how the time flies.

Every day I get older and suddenly I realize how I wasted my life, but it'll be too late.

And I'm caught up in between.

Between wanting to move on, to not waste my precious time and on the other side not wanting to move on because I cant forget him.

And while I'm struggling, the world is turning further and people are going with the flow and suddenly I'm alone without noticing.

I just hope anyone would wait for me.

I don't know how long it will take and if its forever, I need someone.

And the sun rises and sets every day again and again and I'm on my own.

Right now I wish he would be here, that's my only wish.

And it's to much.

I didn't notice how long I stared at myself but wake up from my trance as a random stranger bumps against me, apologises and goes away.

The neon signs blend me and I begin to slowly move.

Probably I'm walking in zigzag but I can't see it. I wish i could see the stars, but the lights of the city drown them.

I wake up to a disgusting smell and my head hurting.

I look around and consider a glass of water could help me right now.

Soon I can discern the cause of the smell, it seems like I vomited before or even while sleeping.

Maybe it was the alcohol, I can spot empty bottles laying around on the floor.

Fortunately nobody can complain
anymore, taeil left my room weeks ago, saying he couldn't live with me and my behaviour.

Hah.

That's already the third time of the week I've been waking up like this.

Maybe he is right.

But why the fuck should i care?

I probably need to stock up my drinks, but I'm to lazy for now so i lie down onto my bed and scroll lazily through my phone.

Oh wow seems like some 'fans' are concerned about me.

Why the heck am I even doing this shitty job?

Controlled by a company who gives a damn shit about me, surrounded of fake nice people and fans who just like me if I behave like they want me to.

The genuine nice people and idols are in real life just fighting for the survival in this jaded world of corruption and faking and need to go with the flow.

Group members hate each other in real life and you're always acting.

You think my job is performing and singing?

Hah you're wrong.

It's to give the people the perfect picture of yourself, to never show your real self.

The fans dont want to see you.

They want your acting.

So that's what you're constantly doing.

The best thing is, they think they know you and about your life and behaviour.

They know fucking nothing.

As if anyone would play kindergarten games and act cute in real life.

It's just if your acting becomes part of your real life and you cant help it, living in fear anyone would hate you for being yourself.

And is it everything worth just for living the, what other people think, dream?

Because it isn't.

I dont know if I would've chosen another life now.

I wouldn't have met him.

But I really dont know if this would be good or not, because I spent an awesome time with him, probably the best and I love him.

But why does love connect with pain?

Isn't there any other way?

Was the good time worth the hurt?

Was he worth the hurt?

Yes.

And I would always answer the same.