losing you. || markhyuck

3. l.m.

A letter.

That's the first thing that came to my mind, like in every movie.

Directly after practice, I go to the next café, hoping for some inspirational impressions and start writing, without even ordering anything.

My sunshine.
I know you didn't want to see me again and you surely have a reason for this, but I need to tell you that I won't give up on you. I know something is bothering you and I just want you to tell me every problem and I want to be the person who has the solution for every single one or that helps you figuring them out, step by step. I'm literally tired right now, because your smile is the only thing that gives me motivation to do anything. Hopefully I have the chance to see it again one time, in the best way, while being your boyfriend again. If you need time for yourself just tell me, I'm fine with it, as long as you're not ignoring or hating me. You probably don't know, but you're the most important person for me. Just wanted to tell you, because I have hesitated to do while I had the opportunity. I love you. Mark.

After I'm finished (it actually worked out way faster than expected, seems like my brain had figured out before I started) I go home, the first time at least sort of happy after the break up.

I really think a lot about how to give him the letter, but I then decide to leave it in his room where he should find it soon.

It's pretty late now and I immediately go to bed after this due to me being tired after staying awake most of the other night.

I wake up around twelve o'clock, as it's saturday, so free time for me, and just follow my regular rhythm, but as I come back to my own room, I notice something laying on top of my bed.

It's the letter I had written.

I take it out of the envelope, searching for some sort of answer or another letter, just any response.

But nothing.

Frustrated I begin looking at my own letter again and spot something.

He just wrote onto my paper.

An answer to my last sentence.

I love you. Don't. 

My last bit of leftover hope just goes away into nothing. But what about yesterday? there was clearly something he still tries to hide from me.

Or maybe I'm just being delusional.

But I can't give up, not yet.

So I'm writing a new one.

He brought it back again, without me noticing, but this time he didn't even read or at least open it.

And I give him another one.

Of course he does the same, what did I expect?

But I'm not giving up.

The letter appears on my bed once more.

One last time, I tell myself, before doing something else.

And it looks like I am lucky this time, he really opened it. But my joy disappears as soon as i see the written message on the back of the letter.

Stop annoying me. I have a boyfriend.

A boyfriend.

He just fucking replaced me with some other guy.

Fuck it.

But I somehow can't believe him, I know it's just me being dumb and hopeful, but I believe I did see it in his eyes...

...but on the other side he just left me.

And if his heart beats for someone else?

No I fucking cannot accept that.

I'm crying again.

The x-time for the last weeks. I lock the door, though taeil will be mad because he can't come in, turn on the tv for watching the saddest movies I can find on Netflix and eat so much junk food and candy until I can't walk anymore. That's my plan for the next week.

Oh my god I'm so stupid.

I literally forgot about the most important question...

...who the hell is his boyfriend?!

When I think about him I really have no clue who it is.

One of his best friends is johnny but I'm really certain it's not him, because if, we would have a little problem because he is engaged to ten and that won't change soon. hopefully.

Who else?

He's mostly hanging out with us and I'm not sure if there are others as well. And i want to know.

So what else can I do, other than leaving my comforting room to meet him.

Out of frustration and because I have no better idea, i obviously walk to his room first, ending up being quite shocked because he is actually there, working on his laptop and suddenly i become all anxious and shy.

"H-hey."

"Lee what the fuck? I told you i don't want to get back together."

Lee.

Not even my first name anymore. wow.

"You said you-you have a new boyfriend now. Who is it?"

"I honestly don't see why I should tell you."

That's true though.

"Because I won't bother you anymore."

"Really?"

NO OF COURSE NOT I LOVE YOU

"Y-yeah"

"its.....kun, yeah its kun."

I chuckle, turning into a hysterical laugh, so hard it's nearly crying without getting air.

Backwards, I stumble across the room towards the door, watching his confused glance while I just laugh like my life depends on it.

I'm so stupid.

It's so funny.

I can't breathe.

Kun.

A new wave of giggling rolls over me and it's so funny.

I fall onto my bed and sleep immediately, exhausted of the laugh attack.

But he keeps appearing in my dreams, just laughing with me.

I have to go on. I just can't spend my life like this, too dependable on him.

But it hurts.

And laughing helps. I chuckle more and he grins at me. I laugh until I cry.

...

It's Wednesday today and I just went to the daily practice, attempting not to speak to anyone, avoiding social contacts and staying inside my room, which I'm barely leaving these days. I honestly have no idea for how long I've been wearing the same clothes and I actually don't care either.

The only friend I allowed to stay was alcohol.

Yeah, I mean that's pretty easy, it doesn't talk, helps me to forget every shit and you will  feel better. at least doe some time.

Every day anyone keeps trying to talk about nonsense, they think they are able solve every problem and make me 'happy', what a bullshit.

Things are just getting worse if I start thinking about something.

I don't like thinking anymore.

it sucks, it makes me weak.

So i need distraction.