losing you. || markhyuck

2. d.h. x l.m.

I wake up alone in Johnny's old guest room.

I stare at the plain white wall and ask myself what I've done to deserve this.

I shut my eyes again, not wanting to move or breath ever again.

Someone opens the door and sneaks inside.

It's either kun or johnny himself.

I open my eyes again, even unwillingly and they have to get used to the sunlight.

Johnny speaks up and I bend into his direction. "Are you alright? I brought you some tea and crackers."

He then looks concerned at me, checking my forehead with his hand. "You're really pale. And I think you caught a fever. Maybe we should visit..."

"I don't think so." I interrupt him cold.

I don't want to visit a doctor ever again.

I try to raise my upper body but I just can't.

It's like my muscles disappeared or a strange power is holding me back.

"Could you...help me please." I whisper slightly embarrassed, I can't even do this by myself. He nods, while he frowns, looking more anxious.

He puts a pillow against my back as a stabilizer and I thank him.

"What is this?" Johnny points onto my left arm and a big violet, blue bruise bears over my whole skin.

I don't know where I get this, but I'm used to see bruises randomly appearing, without doing anything.

"You're sure we shouldn't..."

"yes. I'm feeling so much better actually. I didn't get nosebleed for two days now." I smile fake and hope he won't look through this obvious lie.

A fucking lie.

I feel worse than ever.

Like something is destroying me from the inside.

And funnily exactly this is happening.

"Johnny, do you think I'm a bad person?"

He glances shocked at me, probably wondering how I came across this. "No, of course not! You're an amazing person, everything who knows you should be glad about it."

"But that's what I am. I'm a liar and a killer. I'm killing myself you know?" I chuckle "how do I deserve this. It has to be my fault right? There's no other way."

"That's not how it works." He tries to calm me down but I know he is wrong, I just do.

"I hurt mark you know. But is this all really a penalty? I just did it for him. And it hurts. It fucking hurts. It eats me up, right from the corner and wont stop until I'm done."

Johnny sits there wordless and doesn't know what to say, so I send him away.

I will be fine.

Hah.

Another lie.

I don't want anymore.

So I place the tea he brought away from me, knowing he just tried to put some medicine inside, to hide it from me but I'm not that stupid.

There has to be a reason it's me.

Probably I'm just not worth it, not worth to live in this world.

And I know.

I hate myself.

I hate myself because I'm hurting me and I'm the cause that I have to go through this pain.

Honestly I have no idea, why anyone would like me, or more, care for me.

Maybe that's the reason, I don't the deserve the love I get.

And because of me, kun and johnny are tired and desperate, so wouldn't it make everything easier if I'm not here anymore?

All of sudden a text message reaches me, of course from the person I've been thinking about.

Johnny told me you said you feel better? That's so awesome! Maybe you can regenerate and get healed!

Yeah kun of course.

Nothing could heal me.

Additional I'm on a down point and feel weaker every day.

Possible! What are you doing?

I miss the times when I could do sports and eat whatever I liked.

I'm just lying here, day for day, waiting until I finally can die.

And I would've done this by myself, to finally stop this hurt and stop being this burden for my friends.

But I just can't.

Also I'm killing myself anyways, I just have to wait a bit.

Liquid is dripping down my chin, but I'm not interested what it is, its every day the same.

I hold a towel against my nose, in hope it's not blood for the second time for today.

I'm tearing up again as the red flows down my fingers and a simple drop falls on my blanket.

This all is shit.

I want to give up, just that this is finally ending.

I'm choking on my sobs and breathe but nothing is reaching my lungs.

Sweat builds on my bare skin and everything hurts.

But as this happens when I'm alone it's fine.

No one should see me like this.

I try to stand up but it's like someone is pulling the floor from my feet and my head spins.

I stumble into different directions and have no idea where i am.

Eventually I bump against something, scared from the sudden contact I flounder into the opposite side and my head meets something cold and hard.

I fall down onto the floor my legs crossing in a painful way.

My sight becomes red and my head damp, probably blood flowing down into my eyes.

I want to end it.

And I can't move, but i have to, johnny could come every second, so I rob towards the bed and raise me up on the bars and look at the mess I've made.

I have to clean it up immediately.

Thus I walk slowly, step by step near the sink, to first wash up my face.

Necessarily I have to look into the mirror for this, and it does me wanting to throw up once again, this bloodstained ugly face of this disgusting person, makes me gag.

But it doesn't stop to flow.

It gets more and more and my clothes are full of blood as well.

No matter what I do, it won't end.

Then i just get more dizzy and i feel the desire to sit down again.

But before I can I black out again.