losing you. || markhyuck

4.

One month.

And the ache and soreness don't get less.

The questions still remain why this had to happen.

But there are no answers.

No one can explain, because no one knows, nor can figure it out.

And it hurts.

To see him in your dreams, appearing while daydreaming, thinking he will walk through the door every moment.

But he won't come back.

Ever.

Sometimes I see him smiling or laughing, sometimes lifeless and pale in the hospital.

I know I'm not the only one

Kun is struggling hard, harder than everyone, except me of course.

I guess he really has loved him.

People are talking how he starts to isolate himself, refuses to talk to everyone, crying every night.

I would lie if I'd say I wouldn't do the same, but he is Qian kun.

He is probably the strongest and most impressive person I know.

And to see him weak to see him suffering as well, makes me feel wondering.

Am I too selfish?

Am I too selfish to think I have it worse than others?

I think so.

But I'm about to break down, searching for a way out of this.

There isn't one.

One time I have to face it.

And I'm scared, so scared of doing this, of having to move on to not undergo in this world.

I'm not ready yet.

Not sure if I'll ever be.

one year later

Slowly I walk through this gloomy place.

Head lowered to not see anyone.

In my hand a big bouquet of white lilies inside a lookthrough vase.

I'm wearing a baby blue sweatshirt, the one he always told me he likes the most and the small, silver shimmering bracelet with engraved d and m, he gave me for my birthday two years ago.

D and m

Donghyuck and mark.

Always and forever.

Just a few more steps and I reach my destination.

Cold grey stone, a flagstone, but crested with the famous picture of Michelangelo, to bring a little bit of beauty in this plain rock.

Lee donghyuck

His engraved name.

I really like the gravestone he chose, its unlike the others around here, its different.

Little flowers are growing around his area, just like he would have liked it.

I come here every week, just to talk to him, just to be near him, sometimes I bring bouquets or a pot with colourful flowers inside, I think he would love them.

I water the daisies, the violets and the dandelions which are rampant everywhere.

But they're only gathering around here.

Just like they know whose ashes are lying here.

Like they're drown to his place.

The staff, an elder woman already knows me.

Everytime I have to register myself on the list, she holds on to talk a bit with me, always smiling.

But she's not like this with everyone as I've notice.

I guess she's sick of all those promising people, telling their loved they would come visiting as often as they can, but don't.

And I'm different to this.

At least once in a week, I come here.

I turn into the last pathway, then I'm already there.

I lay down the lilies and cloves, they look beautiful next to the sunflowers and  forget me nots.

Because I've been occupying with the different flowers all the time, I nearly can express my feelings with them.

lilies for the real and pure love.

Cloves for the eternal faith.

Sunflowers obviously for him, my personal sun.

Forget me nots. I wont ever.

I take out a match and light the candle.

It's a habit of mine, to always have a blazing candle while I stay, so i have to replace them often as i just extinguish them when I go.

I probably have to bring a new one next time.

A hand pats on my shoulder and I know of course who it is, the person who has accompanied me many times before.

Of course the others come sometimes too, especially johnny, but kun is definitely the second most, right after me.

Unfortunately we don't meet here often, because we're normally visiting at different times or days.

But it's also not bad too, so I have some time with donghyuck alone.

And we also assemble pretty often casually, sometimes with other people as well, for example his or my members, our old gang, or just individual friends. He really grew to one of my best friends while that year.

The publicity still doesn't know anything about donghyucks death, just like he wanted it to be.

The company gave us a break to recover from all the happenings and we gladly used it, so we postponed the comeback we were working on before it happened and the fans blamed it on the sudden dropout.

The wedding will finally be in two weeks, because johnny and ten decided to reschedule it too, not wanting it to be a depressed and sad event.

Yuta and sicheng actually ended up dating, I have no clue how my friend arranged it, but I'm genuine happy for them.

Taeyong and jaehyun are engaged now as well, but secretly, they have to tell the company eventually and I finally met taeils boyfriend as the last person of all, he's a nice guy, working at the café too, called doyoung.

I'm not sure about the way 2 go members though, there are different dating rumours and stories going around and I dont know what to believe, but I don't ask too.

Last month i went visiting donghyucks family and they were glad to see me, as they've known me as his boyfriend for a long time, and I spent some time with his little brothers as I'm a kind of surrogate brother for them.

The best thing is that the management is thinking about a collaboration with way 2 go and I really hope that it will happen.

Altogether I started to recover and live my life again, just like he wished and I'm sure donghyuck would be proud of me.

But there will always be this special spot in my heart that will love him forever.

And I'm fine with it.