Idontwannabemeanymore (Jungkook × BTS)

Day X

Jungkook is in his bedroom. Looking at his ceiling silently. Today he is going to end it. The pain has become unbearable. The past week, all he did was cry, cry and cry. This way too familiar gesture makes him exhausted. But this is not the only thing he did this week. On Monday, after talking to Seokjin, he went for a long walk around Seoul, because he will miss this beautiful city. The city that welcomed him. The city which made his dreams come true. He went to all the places that marked his life, the restaurants he and his hyungs used to eat at, the parks they used to go chill at etc... It made him think about the good old days. He didn't eat that day though. He simply didn't feel like it.

On Tuesday, after having a talk with Yoongi, he went outside. He felt like getting in danger in the night. He got assaulted by a group of men. Some drug dealers beat him. When he realized they were drug dealers, he begged them to sell him some very hard drugs that would hurt him, that would kill his health. He was desperate to numb the growing pain of living. Thus he ended up taking hard drugs in a dark street alone, until he passed out.

He woke up in this very street on Wednesday, head ready to explode, heart into pieces and body at the brink of breaking. He stumbled to a taxi and asked the person to bring him to the park he used to go to, with his hyungs. He wanted to cry in memory of all those marvelous moments he spent with them. So after two hours of crying and walking around the park aimlessly, he sat on a bench in front of some lake. He stared at the lake for a long time. He fought with his angry, infuriated thoughts. Should he just jump and let himself sink ? He wishes he could but not before talking to the rest of his hyungs. Oh, he feels a presence. He turns around. What a coincidence, Hoseok hyung is there.

On Thursday, he stayed home, locked in his room the first half of the day. Once again, he was tired and he did an atrocious nightmare. He couldn't sleep after that. Also, his whole body hurt too much for drugging himself way too much and sleeping on the dirty ground the night before yesterday. After taking an ice cold shower to distract himself from the atrocious pain, he got dressed before heading out of his room, he needs some fresh air. He'll just go to the dorm's balcony for now. He's way too sore to go outside. Just as he enters the balcony, he locks eyes with Namjoon. Might as well tell him goodbye too.

On Friday, apart from telling his Jimin hyung a final goodbye, he did nothing but cry in his bedroom, alone. He also watched some videos of self harm he found on the dark web. The way these people cut their skin into some pretty patterns was so beautiful. The pretty scarlet liquid oozing out of their flesh was just as magical. He was truly mesmerized. He can't wait to try it on himself soon, but before that, he'll have one last final goodbye to say.

Yesterday, was Saturday. Because he liked the feeling of his body in pain, Jungkook decided to go to the gym in order to amplify the pain of his already sore muscles. He had nothing better to do. Plus he hadn't eaten throughout the week so it was a perfect match. He frankly hoped he would pass out from exhaustion because duh, he deserved it. But things didn't go as intended. He did not expect to see Taehyung happily work out. This was a rare sight but at the moment, Jungkook's heart fluttered unbearably to the point it hurt him. In spite of that, the strings of his heart kept pulling him towards Taehyung. He had to talk to the older before leaving. He didn't dare approach his hyung at first so he kept looking at him from afar. Maybe Taehyung would notice him ? He never did. So when Taehyung was about to leave, Jungkook told himself it was now or never. He followed him. After his encounter with Taehyung, Jungkook went to buy countless bottles of alcohol with the last liquid money he had. He bought whiskey, vodka and soju. As soon as he got home, he went into his room to drink his heartbreak away while crying. He felt himself vanishing a little more each second. He ended up passing out on the floor of his room, next to his empty bottles.

Today, on Sunday 1st of September, it is 5am. Jungkook didn't sleep after he woke up from his mini ethylic coma. He kept crying. But now, he is no longer shedding tears. The time has come. He slowly rises up, pain shooting on his whole body. He stands out nonetheless and stumbles into the bathroom. He stinks, so he's got to have a shower. He wants to be clean and pretty if wants to draw pretty patterns on his body. He showers with a blank face and frozen water. He gets out of the shower then walks back into his room, which he locks carefully. He lays down on the cold floor, naked and looks at the text he received :