Started with a Lie (ON-HOLD)

SWAL38

UNEDITED

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I like you-No..."

"What?"

Poseidon stopped eating and looked at me. He's so dazed that it takes him more than a minute before even blinking.

"I l-lov..." I can't even hear my own voice. I felt like I was actually talking but I'm voiceless.

"Pardon that?"

I looked at him, he has still his eyes wide, lips parted, shoulder tense and breathing ragged.

I cleared my throat and collected myself before looking at him with determination.

"I love you."

I can't seem to find the emotionless Poseidon right now. He looks so shock. So stupefied he wasn't able to move.

His wide eyes were fixated on me, his lips' trembling. Napansin ko rin na tumigil siya sa paghinga. He was stuck on his seat.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sa naging reaksyon niya. I've thought about this a lot last night. Halos hindi ako makatulog kaiisip kung anong magiging reaksyon niya.

He'll probably walk out.

He'll be mad and yell on me.

He'll just ignore me.

I even thought of positive feedbacks, like, he loves me too. That he's happy I love him. I never thought he won't be able to move as if I told him that the world's ending is near.

Gaano ba kahirap paniwalaan 'yon? Ever since we met, I got attracted, really. When I agreed marrying him, I knew I was doomed. When I lived with him, I knew my feet's already on my grave. When he showed me different sides of him, it hit me. I love this man, so much.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan o papaanong nagsimula ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Nagising na lang ako isang araw na hinahanap-hanap siya. Gusto ko siyang laging makita, kinikilig sa tuwing may sasabihin siya kahit na hindi naman nakakakilig.

"Poseidon, earth 'to. Huminga ka." Napairap na lang ako sa kanya.

Natauhan naman siya at habol ang hiningang napasandal sa backrest ng kinauupuan niya, hindi pa rin naaalis sa akin ang hindi makapaniwalang tingin.

Last night, we weren't able to eat dinner together dahil may emergency virtual meeting daw siya kaya mag-isa akong kumain. Hindi pa rin siya tapos sa meeting nang paakyat na ako sa kwarto para magpahinga kaya hindi na rin kami nakapag-usap.

And today, I just told him I love him, but I got nothing from him. Hanggang ngayon ay tulala pa rin siyang nakatingin sa akin.

Punyeta.

Buong gabi kong pinag-isipan kung paano sasabihin, tapos tutulala lang siya riyan? Nawala na ang kaba na nararamdaman ko kanina. Napalitan na ng pagkainis. Sobra.

I sighed in annoyance and defeat at the same time.

"Still not done sinking that?" Mahinang tanong ko habang nakatingin sa kanya. His lips parted as if to say something but decided to close them again.

I let out another sigh. "Nagsisisi ako, alam mo ba 'yon?" Panimula ko. Iniwas ko ang tingin at uminom sa baso ko ko bago muli siyang tiningnan. "Nagsisisi ako na hindi ko agad 'yon nasabi sa 'yo noong mga panahong hindi ka pa nakakalimot. Nagsisisi ako na hindi ko sinabi sa 'yong mahal kita samantalang ang dami-dami kong pagkakataon. Kung sana nasabi ko sa 'yo, mapapadali kaya ang pag-alala mo sa 'kin?" I chuckled, still looking at him. I smiled sadly at him as my visions starting to get blurry because of the suppressed tears. "Natatakot din ako, Poseidon. Natatakot ako na baka hindi mo na ako maalala. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung sakaling hindi mo na nga ako maalala. 'Yung katotohanan pa lang na nakalimutan mo ako, libo-libong karayon ang sabay-sabay na tumutusok sa puso ko. Paano pa kaya kung hindi mo na talaga ako maalala? Hindi ko kaya 'yon. Those memories you forgot, those memories we had, those were the moments I loved you. Ang mga alaalang nakalimutan mo, 'yon 'yung mga alaalang naging dahilan kung bakit kita minahal."