Shams was one of the small community of Christian on an island belonging to an Arab country, Aradus. This island was a small island in the White Sea being inhabited by only 3 400 people. The White Sea belonged to the Ottman dynasty so their pirates...
I slowly opened my eyes feeling light-headed still. I could feel something on my forehead and it was damp and very cold.
"Sultana" I looked beside me to see a doctor. She smiled when I looked at her, how could she smile? How could she feel an ounce of happiness?
"What happened?" I asked looking around to see myself in my room again with the children nowhere to be seen.
"You fainted from the cold sultana and you're a little sick" she explained. I nodded my head and turned to the door that just opened to show Hurrem sultan.
"Sultanim" I tried to sit up but the doctor pushed me back down.
"Leave us alone" Hurrem sultan ordered the maids and the doctor.
"Where are my children sultana?" I asked worriedly.
"Hurrem and Mustafa are in their lessons and Abdullah are in my room" I sighed in relief and laid back down.
"And the prince you're holding is also alright" my hand flew to my slightly showing bump.
"I don't know what came over me yesterday" I muttered knowing she wanted an explanation for what happened.
"It better not happen again or I will be forced to take the kids away from you" I gasped and sat up making the cloth on my forehead fall. It was damp with cold water to bring down my fever.
"If Bali Bey hasn't seen you leaving the castle in the storm we would've lost you and my grandchild," she said harshly. I have never heard her so mad in my entire time knowing her.
"It won't happen ever again," I said looking down at my hands. The doors opened again making me look up to see Hurrem and Mustafa run in and jump on the bed.
"Mommy! Are you okay?" Mustafa asked worriedly. I smiled and nodded at him feeling my heartbreak as I saw Mehmed in him. How am I supposed to live on like this? How can I live another day knowing I won't wake up with him beside me?
I will miss it when I would wake up and look beside me and see him staring at me, watching me, protecting me. I will miss when I would look to my side and see him sitting beside me with his hand in mine reminding me that he was there beside me where he was supposed to be for the rest of our lives. I will miss when we would be eating and he would insist on placing one extra piece of bread in my mouth when I'd announce that I was full and couldn't eat anymore. I would miss the feeling of his hand on my swollen stomach when he used to want to feel the baby move. This pregnancy will be the hardest I've ever gone through. I don't think I will be able to make it without him.
I remember instinctively when I was pregnant with Mustafa, I was sat beside Mehmed when I felt his first kick which made me gasp earning his attention. He looked so worried and scared for me. I remember the smile that adorned his face when I told him it was just one kick and he kissed me before placing his hand on my stomach wanting to feel the creation we made together.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I looked at Mustafa as tears started to spill from my eyes at the memories. They were too many and too much for me to handle but I have to for my children and the people I love and love me.
"Come here" I opened my arms letting the kids jump in and hug me as tightly as their small arms can.
"Mommy why won't anyone tell us where daddy is? I want to see him I missed him a lot" I shushed Mustafa and kissed his forehead. I had no answer and even if I did I can't speak about it, not now at least. I looked at Hurrem sultan who watched me with tears streaming down her face, I know she was hurting too and I wasn't alone in this black hole of pain. She left me alone with my children and sent for Abdullah to be put in my room again in his crib where we were sleeping like an angel.
As I laid in bed with my angles I couldn't help but recall memories of my beloved. I miss him so much that I want to join him right now. The thought of not seeing him ever again ate me alive that I just wanted to die right here and now.
I remember once I visited Mehmed in his room and he was reading a book. He was so engrossed in it he didn't hear me come in and when he finally felt the movement in his room he glared up at whoever it was until he saw me sitting down beside him watching him closely as he read. I was reading his expression trying to understand what he was reading.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I want to see him one last time. To hug him one last time. To tell him how much I love him and miss him. The way he was stolen from me was so harsh I wasn't allowed to say goodbye and I wasn't even allowed into the same room as him.
I wasn't allowed to kiss him as his lawful wife. I wasn't allowed to love him as his lawful wife. I wasn't allowed to hold him as his lawful wife.
I can't make him happy anymore when I give birth to our new child. He won't be standing at the door as I birthed our child. He won't be standing at the door yelling at the guards to let him in even though he knows it was not allowed.
He won't hold me after a nightmare. He won't kiss me to comfort me. He won't wipe my tears away. He won't tell me he loves me anymore. I can't feel him and I will never ever be able to feel him ever again.
This pain was too much for me but I have to endure it for my children. Hurrem. Mustafa. Abdullah. And my child that will be joining us in six months' time.
