Obviously, This Is Not Love

29| A Much Needed Comfort

I was running as fast as I can with no idea where my feet will bring me. My head is clouded, my tears are running down, and I can't even feel how tired I am becoming. But I can hear how loud my heart is pounding.

Today was too much.

It's 22 minutes past 6 in the evening. Nakakaramdam na din ako ng gutom but betrayal is something that's burning inside of me. I feel hot, tired... And even speechless. Memories that were supposed to be buried were slowly playing in my head again. He's back. He's back. He's fucking back.

"Ary!" His voice echoed across the street. Hindi ko napansin na hinabol pala niya ako. And now he's right in front of me, huffing and a bit sweaty. Ngayon ko lang rin nakita kung gaano siya tumanda over the years. His eyes wrinkled and looked more tired. Lips were frowning.

"Huwag kang lumapit!" I took a step back. He looked confused but he got my point. He doesn't really understand Tagalog that well but I know he still understands some words. I feel my cheeks wet and my knees were getting weaker by the minute.

All my childhood trauma came rushing back in.

And here I thought, paano ni mama nakalimutan yung hirap at sakit na dinanas niya noong kami ay nasa puder pa ni Jorge? Ganoon na lang ba kabilis makalimutan ang lahat ng iyon?

Hindi rin nagtagal nakasunod na sa amin si mama. She slowly walked towards me, looking really worried. Nakita ko na rin na umiiyak na siya. "Aris. Anak..." She was reaching out to me, her hand on my shoulder were trembling.  "Let's go home? I'll explain everything."

"Ary, look..." Jorge tried to get closer. "I'm sorry. But can we talk about this when we're at home?"

"HOME?" I asked him. I noticed that few from the crowd and passersby were starting to look at us. But I don't care. Nothing else matters right now but all I know is that the devil has made his way back into our lives. "You are not part of our home! You never were."

I was so young... So young. The emotional and physical abuse tore me down. Although it wasn't me who he abused, my mom's cry in pain and in fear made me realize that there's no hope for this man. I was so young and yet I've already wished and prayed that someday my mom and I will live happily far away from him.

Para akong nakakita muli ng multo.

He didn't answer. Instead, he looked at my mom. "I'm really sorry. Perhaps, let's talk when things have calmed down? I probably should go." And without a single word from my mom, he left. 

My mom was still crying. She held me closer to her arms and was whispering I'm sorry in my ear nonstop. I didn't hug her back though. I thought I was too tired and I don't have enough energy to comfort her and tell her that we were okay. We're not. I was just standing there with my arms both at my sides and was just listening to her cries. My cheeks were already dry. I'm no longer sad, but rather, I felt empty.

Lost.

And really disappointed.

***

We're both eating in silence. I am not really in the mood to conversate, or even think about what just happened. I also noticed that my mom was feeling the same way too by how she played around her food mindlessly. Her foot tapping nonstop under the table and her empty stares towards her plate. 

I don't even bother to talk to her. I know that she knows how mad I am at her and now we're both quiet at the dinner table.

I finally stood up after gathering enough courage leaving my mom restless. I felt her looking towards me but she didn't say a word. I am sure she's been dying to talk to me the whole day after what happened but she knew it was the time to give me the space I needed.

I plopped down on my bed, finally realizing how heavy my body was and how I'd been carrying this weight all day. I am exhausted. I don't even have the energy to reach my phone on the table and check who has been messaging me all day. 

All I know is that I want to shut the rest of the world down and just drown in my own thoughts and maybe from some of my tears... I really don't know. I don't even care to elaborate.

Suddenly, I heard a soft knock on my window. Not really a knock but maybe a tap? I'm not sure. I literally drag myself towards my window to check what it is and who has been throwing pebbles on my window.

It was Torres...

He was wearing a gray hoodie. His hands are buried in front of his pockets. "Aris..." He called out. It was almost like a whisper but loud enough to hear him from the second floor.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?" I panicked. I am in complete disaster. Hindi pa nga ako nakakaligo and I am still wearing what I wore earlier.

"Aakyat ako!" He answered.

"WHAT?" I panicked more. What did he just say? And before I even processed what he just told me, dahan-dahan na siyang naka-akyat sa bintana ko. Hindi ko alam paano niya nagawa iyon basta nagulat na lang ako na nakapasok na siya sa kwarto ko. "Torres! Makita ka ni mama dito!"

"It's okay..." He was a bit out of breath. He finally gained his composure after looking around my room.

Ah, yes. Fuck me. My room is really messy.

Dali-dali akong nagpulot ng mga damit at bra na nakalagay lang sa sahig, lamesa, at kahit sa gilid ng kama ko. "Sorry ang gulo ng kwarto ko."

He laughed. "Cather's room is messier."

Inulit ko ang tanong ko. "Why are you here?"

He sat on my swivel chair and looked around my computer table. "I saw what happened earlier and I know you're not okay. I figured you could use a friend."

Friend.

"I'd be lying if I said I'm okay but this too will pass..." I weakly smiled. Saka ko lang naramdaman na I've been frowning the whole day. Nakakapagod palang sumimangot. 

He finally looks at me, meeting my gaze. "I want to hug you. Okay lang ba?"

I hesitated. I suddenly remembered Aera. Wala na akong balita kung ano na mayroon sa kanila or ano na yung current relationship status nila. I just looked at him, not really sure what to answer. Part of me is longing for familiar comfort.

He didn't wait for my answer. He just stood up and wrapped his arms around me. Bigla na lang may tumulo na naman sa pisngi ko. Akala ko ubos na ang luha ko pero may iluluha pa pala ako. Pilit ko pa rin pinipigilan ang iyak ko. Ang pangit ko kasi umiyak sa totoo lang. All I'm feeling right now is that I am so grateful that he decided to visit me, climb in room, and give me a hug.  I've been enduring this pain for so long. Ngayon ko lang narealize na kailangan ko rin pala talaga nito- ang i-comfort ako.

Then, slowly, I became aware of how our skins are touching. How close I am to him, and how good his smell is. Akala ko naka-move on na ako sa kaniya, hindi pa pala. Hay nako. His presence suddenly made me nervous.

Hindi rin nagtagal, Torres let go of me. He cupped my cheeks and smiled at me. "You have no idea how strong you are, Aris. I know you."

His hands were warm. My heart beats faster than ever. I looked away and removed his hands from my cheeks. I whispered, "Thank you..."

He smiled at me.

"I'll leave once you're asleep." He said, tucking me into my bed. Then, he ran his fingers into my palm and hummed me to sleep.

Maybe it was around 8 am when I finally woke up. The last thing I remembered was him stealing a forehead kiss before he climbed down my window.