Obviously, This Is Not Love

27| Devil-sent Jorge

I am not a killer but I have the sudden urge to stab my mom with a fork on her hands which are wrapped around mine. The psycho in me is raging. May tumulo kaagad sa mga mata ko, mga luha. My mom suddenly let my hands go and bowed her head lower than mine, as if to say sorry that she have done something wrong.

It is indeed wrong.

How could she? Bata pa lang ako nun pero alam ko kung gaano pahirap iyong Jorge na iyon kay mama. Hindi pa ba siya natuto sa mga sakit na dinanas niya noon? Does she think that Jorge deserves a second chance?

Nanginginig ako sa galit.

Instead of slaughtering my mom with a dinner fork, I just stood up and left.

She called out my name too many times but never did I look back. Naramdaman ko pa nga na kahit sa labas hinahabol pa niya ako pero hindi na siya makaabot sa bilis ng takbo ko.

I don't know why I'm acting this way. Ako ba yung nasaktan nung Jorge? Hindi. Si mama naman iyon. Ako ba yung iniwan noon? Oo, pero mainly si mama pa rin naman yung iniwan. My mom used to cry every night. I know how much he have hurt my mom at yun ang tumatak sa akin.

My feet brought me to Cather's. Hindi ko nga dala phone ko para tawagan si Cather na papasukin ako ng bahay nila. I have no choice but to ring the doorbell and wait.

"Aris?"

A voice which I half-expectedly wait. I don't even want to look up and look at him. I am not used at being vulnerable in front of Torres.

"Si Cather?" I tried to muster up all of my courage just to look like there's nothing wrong with me. "Nasaan siya?"

"Wala si Cather dito. May ganap sila ng org niya. Hindi ba siya nakapagsabi sayo?"

Tuloy-tuloy nang tumulo mga luha ko. Kulang na lang ay mapaupo ako dito sa sidewalk sa sobrang panghihina ng mga tuhod ko. But fuck, I don't want to cause a scene.

So saan ako? Saan ako ngayon pupunta?

Ang layo pa nila Arki, I can't walk that far.

"Torres, may singkwenta ka ba diyan? Pahiram naman ako."

Nanginginig na yung boses ko, halata na niyang umiiyak ako. He tried to lift my head up pero nilalabanan ko kamay niya. "Ano ba!" I snapped. Pushing his hand away from my face. "Pautang ako fifty!!!"

"Tapos ano? Saan ka pupunta?"

I did not answer.

He suddenly pulled me close for a tight, consoling hug. He smelled really nice, like soap and a scent of a minty shaving cream. But his warmth which had me drawn to him even more.

"And after all the things we've been through, I thought we're friends. Bakit ka pa maghahanap ng iba kung nandito na ako?"

I felt ashamed. Parang wala akong karapatan mag-inarte sa harap ni Torres kasi. He had bigger problems than me, pero heto ako nahagulgol sa harapan niya. But I feel so betrayed kasi and I can't bear this kind of pain on my own. I know I needed someone.

"Why don't you stay? Darating din naman si Cather mamaya, you can wait for her."

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. Umupo na lang ako sa may sala nila, sa pinakasulok ng sofa. I looked around the house. Ang tagal ko na palang hindi nakabisita kanila Cather pala. Nag-iba na yung pwesto ng mga furniture, yung center table kung saan kami ni Cather dati nag-aaral, wala na doon. Yung collection ni tita ng mga antique chinaware wala na din sa lumang closet nila.

Biglang dumating si Torres mula sa kusina. He handed me a box of tissue saka yogurt.

"I really don't know how you and Cather do these things, consoling each other. But I do remember how much you love yogurts kapag alam kong stressed ka or malungkot."

Yogurts were my comfort food and only Cather knows that. Torres must have been observing us this whole time.

I grabbed the yogurt and ate it. "Salamat ha? Alam kong medyo alanganing oras na pero pinatuloy mo pa din ako."

He sat in front of me. "Aris, you were always there for me. I want to do the same. Gusto ko malaman mo na mapagkakatiwalaan at maaasahan mo din ako."

"I trust you." I answered.

He half smiled, "But not enough para ako ang maging unang takbuhan mo."

I looked at him confused. Pero gets na niya ata kaagad na nalilito ako sa sinabi niya.

"Remember? You were asking for fifty pesos. Alam kong kay Arki ka pupunta."

Hindi na ako nakasagot kasi tama siya.

"I won't ask you why were you crying, gusto ko na i-open up mo sa akin yun willingly not just because I asked you to. But what I want you to know is, I will always be here for you Aris. I hope hindi mo pa nakakalimutan yung usapan natin before?"

I know. You don't even need to remind me about it. But should I wait for him? How can I be sure if his feeling for me are genuine? Alam ko naman na hindi ko maaalis sa puso niya si Aera, after all she's his first love. Tapos biglang sisingit ako sa eksena kung kailan alam kong medyo vulnerable pa ang sitwasyon nilang dalawa?

I was about to say something when Cather suddenly rushed inside, her face worried. "Shit. Buti nandito ka Aris!"

"Bakit?"

"Your mom has been calling me non stop! Hinahanap ka sa akin. Why? What's wrong?" She sat beside me to hug me.

"'Di ba nakukuwento ko sayo na may dine-date si mommy?" She nodded her head. Kahit si Torres nakikinig sa usapan namin. "Turns out, she's dating Jorge."

Nanglaki ang mata ni Cather, si Torres medyo nagulat din pero medyo kalmado siya. Kilala nila kung sino iyon. Pero ang alam kasi nila na patay na ang father ko. Hindi ko in-open up na iniwan kami ng taong iyon sa ere.

"W-what?" Cather asked, confusion spreads all over her face.

I cleared everything and told them what really happened and what kind of devil-sent Jorge is. As much as I don't want to exaggerate, how he mistreated my mom when they were still together are all still vivid memories. I remember him hitting her, while my mom was protecting me. I remember how he would suddenly slap her every time she would try to defend herself.

My mom was so defenseless. All of that suffering just to protect me.

And I hope my mom wakes up sooner from this nightmare.