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a & a - i need you

A/N: hey guyssss! thank you so much for 12k reads! i greatly appreciate it :)

i love this piece, as it didn't take me long to write; i sat myself down, started with the prompt, and i let myself get carried away by writing. this is one of my favourites i've ever written, so enjoy!!

this one is in second person point of view again so something different.

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You touch me, hold me, comfort me. You pull me in close and I light on fire. My skin blaze where your fingers meet my skin, burning my waist. The burns don't show but it's hard to breathe with ash in your lungs. It's SO hard to breathe. I suffocate daily. You don't understand. It hurts me to watch you, you shine brighter than the sun on your best of days, you're more beautiful than you'd ever tell yourself you are. But your soul is the truly beautiful piece of you. You're more than just a cute face, and I came to understand that on a warm August night. The endless days had been tumbling over and over and over had been making me dizzy. My anxiety had been squashing me; the immense workload of filming up to hundreds of videos every day, had taken its toll. Depression's icy fingers had started to wrap their way back around my heart; living in excitement of this magnitude was not as exciting as I had previously hoped.

>>>

It was a relaxing Friday night. 20 of us, had pigged out at one of the most prestigious restaurants in LA before a 'brief' stop at the beach and opposing bar, finally retreating back to the house. Everyone slowly drifted off to their respective rooms until just six of us remained. Charli, Dixie and Addison had all gone home, leaving Calvin and Patrick, obnoxiously slurring their loud conversation into the cold air, Thomas and Tayler sitting on my left, their heads tilted back and their mouths open, snoring, and you and I. The only two both sober and awake. I sighed, rubbing my temples. My headache had worsened since arriving home and the stinging sensation had spread, covering my entire forehead. I stood up, mumbling, "I'm taking a shower", my head in my hands. You had been worried, and rightly so.

"You ok?" you whispered, standing up in front of me. I had nodded, but I had known I wasn't. Hanging off the couch arms, the two drunks turned my concentration to them, Patrick squealing at Calvin, heightened by the toxins pumping around his body. You brought me back from my small daydream, "Just call me if you need. I'll be right here," you whispered gently, almost drowned out by Calvin's exclaimations about chocolate cake.

I smiled slightly, "Thank you."

You had nodded, watching me walk away to the guest room, and I had silently wished that I had told you I was struggling.

>>>

I had just come out of the shower, my dripping hair was thrown into a messy bun. Thoughts were accelerating through my mind, building up, stacking on top of each other to the point of no return. I had been holding onto myself by a string - a hair almost - for weeks. A hair so frail that anything could send me plummeting downwards. And the young girl had successfully done it tonight. She'd severed my final string of self confidence. The single insult, though the girl was probably drunk, had done enough damage. We'd been waiting for our cars, I had already been low on self consciousness, and the pointing finger, and the loud "ugly bitch" screeched from a passing car had sent me spiralling.

The panic started as thin cellophane, something my fingers could pierce breathing holes in. My breaths started as small gasps, the room spinning, and I knelt on my bedroom floor, my arms and head resting on my bed, as I had always done, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. My ears started to ring, their high pitched bells the warning sign that this particular panic attack was to be larger than any others. It had been building up for much longer than any before, and I had refused to talk to anyone, not even Anthony, who told me to talk to him whenever I was struggling. My breaths started to arrive in gasps and I felt like I would black out. My heart hammered inside my chest, a bird beating it's wings in a restrictive cage. I felt sick, and I reached for the bin. Everything came tumbling back up, vomit mixed with words, my throat constricting. "Baby. Baby!" I had breathed, desperately attempting to call for someone. Someone who'd help me. The panic developed into a torrent of icy water numbing every limb, my body shaking uncontrollably. The water crept higher, became more suffocating until it passed my mouth and nose and that's when the attack shut my body down. An invisible hand clasped over my mouth. I couldn't breathe, my ribs heaving as if they had ropes bound around them, straining to inflate my lungs.

I didn't notice your presence at first, but slowly, your calming energy seeped into my body, and my sense of touch slowly returned, your hand surprising me at first. My breathing quickened, but as one hand brushing over my back, the other untying the bun in my hair, my hearing returned. You didn't say anything, yet I was comforted. My eyesight followed suit and I was still shaking as I pushed myself off the bed. You were staring, your eyes expressing the unsaid words lingering on the tip of your tongue. You knew that it wasn't the right time for them to be said. It was then when I realised you'd been squatting next to me throughout most of my ordeal, your black pants stained with my vomit.

You stood up and I tried to follow, my limbs still shaking, tears running down my cheeks. My legs gave way, not ready to support the weight of my already exhausted body. You caught me, pulling me in close, my head resting on your chest, and I listened to your slowing heartbeat. I found my voice, barely audible, but present. "It's never been that bad," I whispered, trying to find the right words, "I don't know why...how...I just..."

You spun me around gently, so aware, when I wasn't. You sat me down on the bed, and knelt down in front of me. "I can't do this anymore. I just can't," I stammered, and you stared at me, your beautiful blue eyes penetrating mine.

"Yes," you whispered, "yes you can. I know you. You're the strongest person I know. You can do it. The storm will blow over, trust me."

The tears kept streaming, falling down my cheeks and onto my baggy pink shirt I always sleep in. You wiped them away before standing up, only to sit next to me. I flopped backwards and you followed. You pulled me into a hug, a much needed comfort hug, one of your hugs.

"I've had it too you know, anxiety. I hated it. And depression. I don't like to think about it."

"What did you do?" I whispered, turning my head to look at you.

You were staring at the ceiling, and you sighed. "I was 15, young, tired, sick of the public sphere. I turned to the only thing I could which was my Momma. It lasted all the way through high school, along with this overwhelming fear of someone noticing me. It wasn't until I looked at it straight in the eye and understood that it wasn't going anywhere that it softened out a bit. I had to find a confidence in myself and how I interacted with the world around me, and then all of a sudden people weren't criticising me the way they used to when I was consistently thinking about it."

I nodded slowly. We were quiet for a moment before I looked up at you. "I love you."

"I love you too." My eyes drifted closed slightly and you kissed my nose. "You need sleep, baby."

You pried me off you and pulled yourself off the bed. I flipped myself under the covers as I watched you trek towards my dresser drawers and pull out a new shirt for me to wear. You kissed the top of my head as you passed me the new shirt, turning away, to walk into the bathroom to grab mints for us, allowing me with just enough time to change my t-shirt. I called you back. "Anfonyyyyyyy, I need hugs."

You nodded, "Give me a moment," before slipping into the bathroom to change into sweatpants. You came back out shirtless, clambering under the covers with me, pulling me close.

You were there when no-one else was. You were there when I needed you most.

At that moment in life, I knew that I'd never want to be with anyone else. I've fallen so deeply in love with you that I can no longer call it love. I know you. I love you. Through a thousand lifetimes, across millions of stars, I'd find you. I'd never leave you. I love you, till death do us part.