Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Introduction: Are You a Background Friend?

If you're reading this, you probably already know.

But, just in case, let's discuss it, shall we?

Perhaps you've had your suspicions all along, but just couldn't quite articulate them. So, we'll start with the basics:

You're the friend who frequently feels like the afterthought. It might even happen so much that you wonder if you really have any friends. Like, maybe there are people you talk to, or spend some time with, but it's frequently incidental. You take the same class. Joined the same club. Work at the same job. Date someone who knows some people. You're not necessarily anti-social, but you are just kind of... there.

When people do remember to invite you to things, it can feel almost accidental. Or, at worst, obligatory - the pity invite. Or, again, maybe you just happen to be dating someone who was invited. Because it's not like you can't get a date - if you really, really want one. You can lower your standards enough. But if only you could stand on your own merits, though.

If only you felt like you crossed anybody's mind, occasionally. If only you felt close with anybody, instead of just loosely tied to a few folks here and there.

If only you didn't feel alone.

But when you do get invited to things, that's cool. Sometimes. There are expectations on you, though. You have to be the good little background friend. You know - around, but not in the way. Attending a gathering is more of a spectator sport, really. You feel more like a space filler than a participant. You're the tissue paper and confetti, not the actual gift or even the bag the gift came in. 

Speaking of gifts, you might be really good at giving them - but it isn't often you feel that it's reciprocated. It's pretty clear that most people mean more to you than you mean to them. But you continue to give, because it's better than being lonely all the time. Better to just be lonely some of the time. Maybe even a lot of the time. But at least not all the time.

If you've ever felt this way, then these essays are dedicated to you. From someone who was there, often still is there, and will be there. Because nothing's wrong with us. We just need to find each other.