Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Bonus Chapter #1: How Background Friends are Made

Why are other people lead and supporting role friends, but you're not? What gives one person star quality, and another person the ability to blend in with the wall?

It can be difficult to pinpoint, and nothing here is definite or exact. Without a doubt, some things are simply ineffable. That said, there are some criteria that seem to be important, so let's take a look.

1) Physical Attractiveness.

As far as we've come in the body positivity movement, as much as we have decried traditional beauty standards and claimed we cannot judge people based on their looks, there is no doubt that being physically attractive is of the utmost importance. If you do not fall within certain parameters involving body type, facial structure, and hair composition, the odds of landing a leading role are slim to none. Plainly put, an attractive outer meat bag seems to excuse a vast number of shitty behaviors that would otherwise have you kicked to the curb.

That said, the standards are a bit more lax at the supporting role level. These are the friend equivalents of character actors in a movie or TV show. At that level, personality quirks and unusual physical traits can often make up for what you lack in traditional good looks and height. 

Grooming is still important, regardless of role. You must shower regularly, brush your teeth, and find a way to manage your hair. That's not to say you cannot be flamboyant - having some personal style will earn you bonus points, provided that you pull them off well. But you will still need to put some care and intention into your appearance, including hair product and, if applicable, makeup. 

2) Sense of Humor.

Another thing that helps immensely is being amusing.

That doesn't necessarily mean memorizing a bunch of jokes, though regularly checking out humorous content such as stand-up comedy, books, and websites might help you develop your own sense of humor. Really, you just need the ability to say something funny and off the cuff in a variety of situations. Improv classes might be the most effective tool for learning this particular skill. If you haven't had many opportunities to practice having conversations with people, then those kinds of training programs can really help.

3) Confidence.

People can sense self-doubt from miles away. And the fact is, it makes everyone uncomfortable - you, and the people around you. People want companions who are entertaining, not companions that are essentially projects they have to reassure and fix. So, you need to develop some self-esteem and a sense of self-worth if you want to angle for a better role. If you've figured out how to do this, please contact me immediately.

4) Self-Awareness.

The real trick is balancing your self-esteem with your self-awareness.

In other words, how do you appear to other people? How do other people perceive you? Are you loud and obnoxious? Are you over-eager? Are you a desperate people pleaser? Do you seem angry, sullen, or irritated all the time? Knowing and analyzing your public image is essential.

Everyone has flaws, you just might not be aware of what they are and how they work against you.

To figure out areas you can improve, it helps to watch other people's behavior and learn from them. Does something that someone else is doing come across as off-putting to you? If so, ask yourself if you might do that same thing - and be honest.

Walking the line here is difficult. You may learn about negative opinions that other people have of you, and that can be hurtful. It chips away at your self-esteem, and no one likes to be criticized. Be careful, and use your filters to figure out what is valid criticism, and what is just a case of sour grapes.

5) Interest.

In the absence of physical attractiveness that automatically launches you to lead role standing, you need to be an interesting person. In the immortal words of Sondheim, You Gotta Get a Gimmick. So, are you a theater person or a band geek? Do you have any cool hobbies or talents? Is there anything you're passionate about, causes you follow, or volunteering that you do? Time to bust them out. At the very least, you can become known for something, and that can go a long way toward boosting your social standing.

All of this said... there does come a time where you really may get tired of trying so hard. If that happens, it may be time to reevaluate your goals and ambitions. If you seem stuck, if you've plateaued, it may be time to focus on other things besides your social standing. And, as you become a more well-rounded person, a byproduct of that could be... finding more friends.