Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Rule Number Six: Come Equipped to Make a Hasty Exit

This rule may sound crazy. You finally made it to a social gathering - why would you want to leave? But, eventually, you may find it behooves you to depart before you originally anticipated. It's unfortunate, but it's for the best in the long run - trust me.

I often find that reasons to leave early frequently stem from problems arising with whomever is my current significant other. As is frequently the case for many background friends, I usually find it easiest to socialize with someone with whom I've established a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, this also sets me up for a lot of uncomfortable situations. I've managed to weather many of them, but in retrospect, I wish I'd left.

One perfect example is a Halloween party I attended. I had been talked to and abandoned by a variety of background friends turned social climbers, as well as lead friends and supporting role friends. It had only been a couple of hours, but I was tired from trying so hard. I felt rejected, and I was bordering on a desperate phase.

I went to hug my then-significant other, and he decided it was a good time to reach for my lady parts. I found the behavior objectionable - we were in public, I had no desire to bee seen in that way by other people, and I was not enjoying it. I told him so, and his response was, "well, if I'm not allowed to do that, what makes me different from anyone else here?"

....

Yeah, take your time, there's a lot to unpack there. From trying to pressure me into sexual activity I was not comfortable with in that context or at that time, to implying rather heavily that I was a slut who was sleeping with other people present at the party, you may need to read it a couple more times to really understand how out-of-line that was. 

My fellow background friends, let me be crystal clear: You Do Not Have To Put Up With This.

As background friends, we are programmed to put up with a lot. We get interrupted a lot. People forget we exist. People are unthinkingly rude. But we are only expected to put up with so much, particularly from potential romantic interests or sexual partners.

There will come several times when you may find yourself torn. You want, crave, or even need some level of attention or validation. The problem is, other people can sense that. Some will be repelled by it. Others will be attracted to it. If they're attracted to it, they might be predatory. And, when that happens, you will become a victim.

There are people who prey on those who are insecure. But, difficult as it is, you need to remember that some situations are not worth of your time, energy, or possibly, your innocence. Don't accept bad behavior just because it's some kind of attention. Walking away with your self-respect intact is more important, and won't leave you up at night wishing you'd said or done something differently.

Thus, you learn how to set boundaries. And that's hard. Really hard. Especially if you are a lonely person. 

But, if it gives you any courage, I hope you'll understand something: once you start setting boundaries, things can change for you as a background friend. You might find yourself more respected. Not all at once, and maybe not at first - especially if you piss off a lead or supporting friend. But some of the closest friendships I have now come from people who've told me they appreciated that I didn't put up with someone else's shit.

You never know what might happen if you put your foot down and leave early.

Now, not every exit is as dire as the ones I've described above. It could be a matter of just not wanting to be somewhere. Some social obligations are particularly difficult.

Just as one example, I was required to attend a baby shower for someone who was on my significant other's side of the family. He, of course, did not have to go. I expected to get there and be able to have some social shields in the form of his mother and sister, with whom I got along with quite well. 

Well, they got sick. Both of them. And I still had to go. And I went. And the only people there that I knew were the parents-to-be.

It's an introvert's worst nightmare. Large social gathering. Group of strangers. No social anchors.

I was in Hell.

Having zero desire to sit around playing weird ass baby shower games with random people I didn't know, I scoped out the party and figured out a strategy.

Fortunately, in this instance, the gathering was just large enough that I would not be missed. I sat through the only portion for which I figured my absence would be noted - lunch, with assigned seating. Following that, the present-opening commenced. I half-mumbled to those seated near me that I suddenly needed to use the restroom. I grabbed my purse, and I never came back.

Now, not all gatherings will be large enough to employ this strategy, and you may find there are events from which you will be missed. This is where some advanced planning goes a long way to making your life much easier.

See, as a background friend, any invitation to an event can be enticing. We appreciate being thought of. But, you can often tell if the event could be a dubious one. It's usually apparent from the invitation. Or, if not, you might get to an event and you can just tell from the start that it's not a place you want to be.

So, if you have some advanced warning that this event might be uncomfortable or undesirable for you, laying some groundwork can help. Set the stage. Say that there's another event of equal or greater importance happening around the same time - family gatherings and work-related social events are perfect for this. They are clearly less desirable than the event you're invited to, but are still obligations that you can't easily bow out of. Then, if you can get a clearer picture of the invitation list, you can flesh out your story a bit. Maybe you swing by, check out the event, and decide whether you want to stay or bow out early to your imaginary event. Or, if you can see that the people going are not going to be people you get along with, you can make your excuses.

Failing advanced planning, you are in a bit of a pickle. If you can't manage a discreet exit, you are stuck with the cliche of having to fake an emergency. Whether you think you can pull it off is up to you to decide. My advice: keep the emergency small. Your neighbor was checking on your pet, who was throwing up. You got an urgent call from work (if you have a job that lends itself to this scenario). 

I do not recommend using a personal health problem, or that of a friend or relative, unless it's genuine. It's in poor taste, and can often be tracked down for the falsehood that it is.

Formulating the right excuse also requires you to know a bit about your audience. Are they the type of people who would be understanding of an anxiety attack? Or do you need more of an outside influence to excuse your presence? I recommend coming up with some good, low-key emergencies to have ready to go at a moment's notice, just in case. Rehearse them, if needed. They are a useful tool to have on hand for these types of situations.