Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Rule Number Three: Talk Less

Another important aspect of staying in your lane - that goes hand-in-hand with avoiding attention - is remembering to speak as little as possible. Remember, being an extra in a movie is not a speaking part. It's just the same with being a background friend.

There is an artform to this rule, though, as it's not as simple as just being quiet. No, you do actually need to vocalize sometimes, but it's what you say that matters. See, it used to be that background friends could get away with smiling, nodding, and the occasional well-timed "Oh!"

In the digital age, not so much. Things have gotten sophisticated. "Oh!" won't do for many text-based interactions (assuming you're lucky enough to garner some), and in this performative phase of human existence, if your tone and facial expressions are not spot on at any given moment, chances are, someone's eventually going to record that fact and put you on blast.

My suggestion? You need to practice. Rehearse. Envision having conversations - if you're like most background friends, you do this anyway, as it's a common habit for lonely people. Find short, pithy phrases to interject throughout the monologues you routinely hear from your supporting and lead role friends. Vary your tone and level of enthusiasm. Don't be too unique, but also find things a little less generic than "That's nice!" or "Cool!" or "OMG!"

The goal here is to show that you're actively listening, without actually drawing attention to yourself or showing any sign of a strong personality. Strong personalities are extremely threatening to supporting and lead role friends.

 Now, here's the tricky part: even as a background friend, you may occasionally be asked for actual feedback.

Don't fall for it.

First of all, there's a strong possibility that you'll get interrupted before you even get a chance to reply (more on this later). This is actually a saving grace and, rather than being annoyed, you should take it for the blessing it is. Your interrupter is keeping you from having to navigate the awkward circumstance of Actually Expressing an Opinion.

Let me make something clear: even if they say they do, no one genuinely wants your opinion. About anything. Ever.

This is not a personal reflection on you, so you can dispense with the self-pity post haste. No - as cliche as it might sound, the old adages are still true. People want you to agree with them. People want you to validate their pre-existing opinions and beliefs. They want encouragement. As a background friend, you are duty-bound to provide it.

A good trick that will help you immensely is having some generic phrases ready that sound insightful, but really aren't. To help you prepare for this, consider the most common contexts in which you might be forced to express an opinion. Relationships, family trouble, school, and work are all good examples. Then, use the following two tricks to your advantage:

1) Customized Cliches. Take a cliche that fits the circumstance in question, and find a new way to phrase it. That way, your comment is generic and universal enough to make sense, but personalized enough not to come across as disingenuous. For example, instead of commenting that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" as your friend muses about spending less time with their significant other to make them jealous, state that they might be more appreciated if they were less available at times. Instead of counseling a friend through a breakup with "time heals all wounds," remark that some distance from the situation will probably help. Whatever you say, though, make sure it aligns with what your lead or supporting friend is already thinking, or you risk disaster. Don't know what that is? Well, then, check out option number two...

2) Ask Questions. This brilliant strategy virtually never goes wrong, especially if you focus on asking people about their opinions. Think of it as subtly implying, at all times, that they have the wisdom to solve all of their own dilemmas. It's flattering, and it gets you out of a tough spot. Though, don't actually say that. At best, it would sound hippy dippy, and at worst, it sounds like a brush off. But things like "how does that make you feel?" and "what did you think when that happened?" will help you gain insight to successfully deploy strategy number one, while also keeping you from going out on a limb with your opinions.