Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Bonus Chapter #2: Dating

For some people, romantic relationships are difficult and inexplicable. Don't worry if you're one of those people. You are not alone, and your feelings and experiences are valid. However, it is outside the scope of this particular piece of work. My experience has been that of a serial monogamist - I've always found romantic relationships fairly easily, jumping from relationship to relationship, largely due to my co-dependent nature.

Many background friends share that experience, so I'd like to explore it now.

See, sometimes it's easier to just jump into a relationship instead of working on yourself. Relationships have a built-in social component, so they really reduce loneliness right off the bat. Plus, if you lower your standards enough, you can often find a date or a romantic partner easier than you can find a meaningful friendship.

If this sounds like you, you've come to the right place.

Something you may have also learned is that it's not too hard to find a significant other in the "supporting role" category. While lead roles tend to stick with their own kind, people often drift back and forth between background status and supporting role status with some fluidity. In addition, supporting role friends are often somewhat single-faceted, having narrowed themselves to a particular niche, so having a background-status significant other often makes sense to round them out as individuals.

Getting into a romantic relationship with someone at a higher level than you can be rewarding, at first. You are less alone, and you get to reap the benefits of their being on more guest lists than you are, thus getting you invited to more events. It can be really exhilarating at first, having such a full social calendar.

Unfortunately, there's always a catch.

Remember that part I mentioned before about lowering your standards? Well, buckle up.

Supporting role people have their own baggage to worry about, as they are usually disappointed that they are not leading roles, even if they've come this close. It's only natural that you should get caught in the crossfire.

One thing that's common is a healthy dose of self-loathing. You'll find that many supporting role friends really do not like themselves, they just manage to hide it better than other people. As such, they are prone to engage in behaviors that are, at best, questionable. At worst, they might become mentally or emotionally abusive. Thus, you need to watch out for signs of manipulation.

Here are a few common manipulation techniques. This is by no means comprehensive, but if you suspect that you are a background friend in an unhealthy relationship with someone, this might help you.

1) Admitting to self-loathing in order to garner your sympathy. If you are prone to co-dependency, this is a big trap. Have you ever heard of the term "manic pixie dream girl?" Urban Dictionary defines it as: a pretty, outgoing, whacky female romantic lead whose sole purpose is to help broody male characters lighten up and enjoy their lives. Does this sound familiar? If so, you might be fulfilling this role in someone's life. Note, this role is NOT gender specific anymore, but this IS the term used to describe this phenomenon, so if you relate to this description, I'd recommend doing further research on this.

2) Frequently predicting that you are going to leave them in order to get you to reassure them that you will not.

3) Holding you hostage emotionally so that the burden of any breakup falls squarely on you (e.g. "If you break up with me, I'm giving up and never dating again").

4) Gaslighting you, so that rather than changing their hurtful behavior, they try to put the burden on you to find a way to cope with that behavior so that they can continue doing it.

There are many, many more examples. If you are frequently unhappy in your relationship, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist and analyze the behaviors present to see if any of this applies to you.

That said, not everything to do with dating as a background friend toxicity and manipulation. Sometimes, you're just dating an outright dick (male, female, or otherwise).

Keep in mind that you are dating someone who is most likely still trying to land a leading role. That puts certain burdens on you that you may not otherwise be aware of.

First of all, you better give them all of the attention they want. The burden of doing so is not something to take lightly. At any given time, you may find yourself as the sole audience member of their one-person show. And, if you are an introvert, being forced to react over and over again can seriously drain you. 

Another thing to remember is that, if you seek any attention for yourself, in any way, you will be met with hostility. They need you to support their efforts, not become their competition. So, just as your lead- and supporting- role friends need everything to be about them, you'd better find a way to make everything all about your supporting-role significant other, too.

Whatever you do, whether you have great news or are struggling through a difficult hardship, remember - it isn't all about you.

Be particularly careful when it comes to admitting that you're struggling with anything. If you do, you need to be prepared for a huge number of monologues. Supporting role people love to give you long, self-indulgent pep talks, chock full of cliche advice - anything is better than listening to you complain. And, after enduring those, remember to get miraculously better. After all, if the monologue does not solve all of your problems, then they will just get pissy. 

Also, don't forget dirty laundry. Have any? Well, guess who will be glad to air that out for you? Yep - your significant other. You can't expect them to avoid juicy gossip like that. Especially if it's something that you could in any way be blamed for that they are the ultimate victim of. You will learn things you never even realized you were doing wrong (because they never told you) - if you're lucky enough that they talk about it all in front of you and your mutual friends. Sometimes, you don't even get that courtesy, and instead hear about it secondhand from someone who wants to stir the pot for you.

These are just a few of the pitfalls of being a background friend dating a supporting role friend. There are many others. Maybe now, after reading this, you can have the courage to share some of your experiences, and perhaps even find someone who is more worthy of your time and love.