At any given time, you may find yourself at a gathering - because, for once, your invitation didn't magically disappear into the email or Facebook void. When that happens, remember: you are there to fulfill your role as a background friend, by taking up space and making a small, appropriate amount of noise.
Even at crowded gatherings, though, there's always the possibility of ending up alone in a crowd. If you're like most background friends, this can feel very uncomfortable. Not only is it uncomfortable for you, it's also uncomfortable for everyone around you. You might feel like everyone is staring at you, wondering why you can't seem to connect with anyone. And many people around you probably feel sorry for you... they don't necessarily want to deal with you, but you being so flagrantly alone makes them feel guilty. This may jeopardize your ability to gain invitations for future gatherings.
So, follow the advice given to movie extras everywhere: find a buddy.
The nice thing about being a background friend is that there are plenty of people just like you. So, if you hang out long enough, you should be able to spot a fellow background friend and band together in solidarity.
Your fellow background friends are many, so hopefully it won't be too hard to find someone suitable to cling to like a life raft. Preferably, you want someone who has accepted their role as a background friend, like you. People who have accepted their fates in such ways are often quite interesting and fun to be around, as there's a certain kind of strength and confidence that comes from knowing who you truly are.
That said, there is a good chance - in fact, it's pretty much guaranteed - that you'll run into other types of background friends, ones that can be a little bit difficult to get along with.
1) The Social Climber. This is a background friend who is not content to accept their lot in life - yet. They are quite interested in advancing in their social circles, and are usually angling for a bigger part. They can be quite fun and interesting to hang out with, but they will abandon you in a heartbeat if the chance arises for them to gain the attention of a supporting or lead friend.
2) The True Introvert. Let me be clear: there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. While society tends to favor extroverts, introverts are deeply valuable human beings and highly worthwhile. What you need to be aware of before engaging with a true introvert is that it can be very difficult, and you need to be patient - both with them, and with yourself.
I tend to gravitate toward my fellow introverts, but we have a really difficult time maintaining a conversation. It can be very exhausting for two introverts to try to engage without an extrovert to fuel them. If you are trying to converse with someone, and you start to feel like you are pulling teeth even though the person seems friendly enough, you found a true introvert. Take a moment, reset your expectations, and remind yourself that it isn't entirely your fault.
You need to decide how you want to proceed if you decide to engage with true introverts. It might help to do a little research on how to talk to an introvert, just so you're equipped for the challenge. Small talk is a no-go. You need to dig deeper if you're going to really form a connection with these types of intriguing folks.
3) The Desperate Ones. This is the tough one. It's the category of background friends who've started to suspect their role in the world, but haven't quite accepted it yet. Like the social climber, they really want to advance, but in their desperation, they've gone overboard. They tend to talk way too much, and often say inappropriate things as they flounder around for acceptance. This is accidental, as they are just trying to fill the void, find validation, and gain acceptance. They may also resort to stunts in an effort to get attention. These kinds of stunts can include big changes to their physical appearance - often mimicking the behavior of leads or supporting friends who had success with something similar - or sudden political assertions when they had previously been fairly apolitical. Desperate background friends often become "fluent" in popular topics overnight. Unfortunately, much of their behavior is disingenuous, and it shows.
Desperate background friends are struggling so hard to find their authentic selves, and are often overcoming some serious hurdles in doing so. These hurdles often include ostracism, mental and emotional abuse, and a crippling lack of self-esteem. This phase can also last a long time.
If you are a more well-adjusted background friend, one of the kindest things you can do is help your desperate counterparts. But again, be prepared for the endeavor. It is often exhausting, and you also can't do it all on your own. Desperate background friends will often benefit from professional counseling and a solid support system. However, know your limits. Your own self-care is extremely important, and if you are currently struggling, it is okay to take a break from trying to fix everyone around you. When you are up for it, though, many lasting friendships come out of background friends who have found and helped each other through some deep struggles.
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Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide
Não FicçãoAre you the "forgotten friend?" Always on the sidelines, looking in? Alone in a crowd? Maybe you feel like your entire social life is built on convenience, and worry whether anyone genuinely cares about you. Or maybe you wonder if you'd have any soc...
