Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Rule Number One: Stay In Your Lane

Let's start with the rule from which all other rules are born. It is the most important, and, really, the other rules are just varying shades of nuance for this, the primary rule - Stay In Your Lane.

The phrase "stay in your lane" in its non-metaphorical sense derives, of course, from driving. When driving a vehicle, it's essential to follow the rules of the road. Obey traffic signals. Mind other drivers. Avoid swerving dangerously. Use your turn signals. And, of course, stay within the clearly  marked lines that delineate your lane. If you don't, disaster will follow.

Socially, staying in your lane means a number of things. 

It can refer to avoiding assertions on topics with which you have little to no expertise or experience - deferring to the experts, if you will.

It can also refer to cultural appropriation - not attempting to steal parts of your identity or motif from a culture that you are not part of, yourself.

Politically, staying in your lane can mean refraining from attempting to regulate or chime in on issues that do not directly pertain to you. A common example occurs frequently in gender politics, in which an oft-touted rule is "thou shalt not regulate body parts if thou dost not possess said body parts thyself." 

But, for our purposes, we will focus on the social context, particularly on how this rule applies to background friends.

Being a background friend is much like being an extra in a movie. Never forget that - you are there to be seen, not heard. You are, in essence, a movable piece of scenery, not a lead, or even a supporting character. If you are very lucky, you might get assigned a line or two, but don't let it go to your head.

Staying in your lane means remembering your part in the ongoing movie of life. You should do nothing that detracts from the real stars of the show. Your job is to offset, enhance, and throw focus - always away from yourself.

That's not to say you can't have Moments (unless you are in a truly terrible group of people). If a personal tragedy befalls you, you may be able to seek some of the comfort and validation you need - depending on the level of the tragedy. Remember not to milk it for all it's worth, though. No one likes a drama queen. Unless you are an Approved Drama Queen (tm). More on that later, I'm sure.

No, when you have your personal tragedy, just remember, everything has its limits, and you also can't expect to make it all about you, either. Doing so can backfire on you immensely.

I was once playing the part of Miscellaneous Coworker Number Four (MCW#4), in which I provided the backdrop for any number of workplace shenanigans in the young, primarily 20-something department of some educational administrative offices. It was entertaining enough - we managed some fun between the drudgery, like hiding in the document retention bins and scaring each other, or having the occasional chair race.

At one point, I made the mistake of believing I was advancing in my social circles. I thought I had found my breakout part and that I'd soon go from being MCW#4 to Unnamed Girlfriend of Minor Supporting Character. Boy was I wrong.

You see, I got a bad test result back on a routine annual medical exam, and it was more than my young, naive, inexperienced brain could handle. Doctors were saying scary words, some of which began with the letter C, and it freaked me out. Suffice to say, I was not coping well.

So, I talked about it.

That was actually okay, on Day One. On Day One, things were fresh, and people regarded me with the appropriate amount of sympathy and concern. My worry was new, and I clearly needed some time to adjust.

On Day Two, though, my welcome was already wearing a bit thin. People had had enough of my problems, though they felt guilty enough about it that I still warranted some amount of coddling. The sympathy was interspersed with a bit of side-eye and exchanged glances whenever I approached. I did not really know how to read people back then, though, so I was unaware that I was swiftly approaching the edge of my boundaries.

Day Three was the limit. People had had enough. And, it seemed, they were ready to say something about it. Because I was an extra, dammit, and it was about time for me to just get over it. My Minor Supporting Character boyfriend put it to me frankly.

"You're supposed to be happy."

I had stepped too far outside the boundaries of my role for too long, and it was time for me to rein it in. You see, people don't need your drama or your problems - they have their own, which it's your job to bear and cope with, along with whatever's going on in your world. If you hog the spotlight with your problems, how can anyone else showcase theirs?

Another lesson I learned from that particular incident: your problems can serve a useful function for the Supporting and Lead characters in your life. My (now ex-) boyfriend found that the sympathy he got from being worried about my potential health problems gave him enough social standing to achieve a Major Supporting role - at least for a day or two. But he, too, succumbed to the inevitable, and was disappointed to learn that his elevated status was as temporary as my own.

Always remember this if you're tempted to grab a bit of attention for yourself. It's far more important for you stay in your lane.