Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Rule Number Eight: Thou Shalt Not Host

If you're having a hard time with social gatherings, you may decide it's time to have one of your own, on your own terms, on your own turf. This can be a good idea, at first. It may be exciting, coming up with an event idea, a concept, a location, and some logistics. Plus, no one can forget to invite you.

Here's the thing: as a background friend, hosting an event is a total crapshoot. A gamble. A roll of the dice. And there's no telling how it will land.

You need to be prepared, and there's no way to put this gently:

There is a strong possibility that no one will come.

I know. It sucks. It hurts. Few things sting as much as rejection, especially the rejection of a whole bunch of people, all at the same time. 

Being a background friend often means ending up alone. We don't often have people we are close enough with to have "last minute hangout friends." There's nobody we can call for a casual, quick, "grab dinner and watch movies in your PJs" kind of thing. Those types of friendships exist - I see them all the time - but background friends aren't part of them.

Maybe, with enough notice, you can successfully host a gathering. I recommend planning no fewer than three weeks out, but no more than five weeks out. Be sure it's a Facebook event, or documented somehow, or else the event will just get lost. Plus, those types of events have built in reminder systems.

Be ready for a lot of people to have other plans already, and be prepared for those who bail at the last minute, too. 

It helps if you have a co-conspirator. Preferably, it will be someone around the same social status as you, though slightly higher is even better. Supporting and lead friends will give your event some pull, and might attract some other supporting and lead friends as well. Plus, if everything goes up in flames, at least you have one other person who will be there with you.

Note, there are a few exceptions to this general rule:

1) You are allowed one birthday event for yourself, about once every three to five years.

2) You can expect people to attend your wedding, as long as there's an open bar.

Weddings are really a given - it's a big deal, and few people are going to miss it, unless something really catastrophic happens.

With birthdays, the issue will mainly be if your birthday falls near that of a lead or supporting role friend. If you are really lucky, then if that happens, they might suggest a combined party. If not, though, then be prepared for them to pull people away from your event. And definitely don't expect people to attend if you insist on having a birthday party for yourself every year; having one that often suggests an unattractive amount of vanity.