Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Bonus Chapter #3: Approved Drama Queens(tm)

Approved Drama Queens(tm). ADQs. These are the people you hear about time and again. You're at a gathering of some kind and there's a group huddled together. They are a few drinks in, and they have the biggest shit-eating grins you've ever seen on their faces. As you allow gravity to pull you closer, you become enraptured as a few of the group members begin their tales - it's time for the weekly update. It's all stories about a person you know, or have at least heard of, and who frequently serves as a topic of discussion among your friends.

Listen closely when this happens, because you are about to learn all about your social group's Approved Drama Queens(tm). 

ADQs serve an important function in their social groups in that they facilitate bonding via incessant gossiping and complaining about their latest endeavors and behaviors. ADQs are chronic over-sharers, suffering frequent bouts of petty drama that they are extremely vocal about. They are usually physically attractive, and have some level of intelligence, but lack in maturity. They are often the center of attention, or try to be, in any given situation, though if that attention wanes, they quickly become fatigued and lose interest in the gathering.

ADQs satisfy a very puerile part of the brain with their constant victimhood and their seeming inability to do anything without having a breakdown. They are somehow always broke, despite having new clothes, great makeup, and stylish hair. They are somehow always going through relationship drama, though they never seem to end up single. They are somehow always extremely vocal with their opinions, especially the negative ones, and yet people listen to everything they say. 

Every social group has at least one ADQ, though there are usually a few, to prevent rotating topics of interest and little sub-groups based on who can hang out with whom. Everyone in your social groups talks about their ADQs. All. The. Time. The latest fight with their significant other; their social media meltdown; their crappy opinion of the latest Star Wars movie; how broke they are, but look at these adorable new shoes. Nothing is too small.

You will hear about ADQs constantly, along with dissections of everything they say and do, until they become almost bestial in your mind. And, eventually, you will wonder - why is this person still such an integral part of your friend group? How do they maintain their social standing? How do they keep getting away with things that anyone else would be voted off of the island for?

Well, go back to the beginning - just like background friends, ADQs serve a function. They are common ground - an easy, juicy, satisfying topic of conversation. They are entertaining. They are a common villain - a unifying force, bringing people together in shared derision. 

Why do some people get to be Approved Drama Queens, while other people cannot get away with it? This question goes back to Bonus Chapter #1, about why some people are background friends, while others get lead- or supporting- roles. ADQs have a number of attractive traits that keep them in the running.

And, here's the thing: if you meet an ADQ after hearing about them for long enough, you might be surprised to discover a friendly, innocuous individual who is of above average intelligence. They might even be likable. And this is often offered as the crux of the issue if you ever ask why the ADQ keeps being allowed back in: "Oh but they are really nice, it's just..."

It's just that you like having someone to gossip and complain about. And that's really it.

So, should you pile on when an ADQ comes up in conversation? Well, it's up to ou.

That is not a cop-out answer. I, for one, am no angel. I've bashed any number of ADQs in my time. It's a heady feeling, being brought together by that particular bond. You feel cooler, like you're "in the know."

What has ultimately pulled me back from time to time is remembering my place. At any given time, if I am caught, an ADQ could rip me several new ones and shove me out the door. I'm a disposable background friend, and I can't get caught rocking the boat. But, on top of that... often, the heady rush gives way to an empty feeling.

When you gossip about an ADQ, you are not engaging in a dialogue that has any kind of merit or value to it. The conversation existed strictly to bash another person. Do it under the guise of "talking to your friends to vent or get advice" all you want - the fact is, it's gossip, and it's not nice to do to someone else. 

Rather than focusing on what other people are doing, find stories to tell about acts of humor, fun, or bravery. Have a few adventures of your own. Do something stupid and be honest and self-deprecating about it.

It's folly, but it's a dream of mine to live in a world where ADQs are rendered unnecessary. Maybe, along with that, we can get rid of social hierarchies altogether, and just let people be people. But, I'm sure that's a naive dream. Still, a woman can hope.