Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Rule Number Ten: You Are Such A Good Listener

Really, this rule is a compilation of past rules. But, due to nuance, it is helpful to put this in context and bring the concepts together to form another significant pillar of the background friend status.

If you aren't talking, and your responses are limited to the previously mentioned content, you may notice yourself on the receiving end of this particular compliment.

Being a good listener is an artform, so getting this status is a great achievement as a background friend. It means you have attained some modicum of recognition for your efforts. In case you couldn't infer from prior chapters, listening is a significant part of what you are there to do. It's an interesting hybrid, being a background friend. You are part of the show - again, movable scenery or the extras in a movie - but you are also an audience member. The question is, when to do what. Being a good listener is knowing just that.

When should you react and be a good audience member? When should you throw focus and build on the materials the lead and supporting characters are feeding you like a good extra?

Learning this isn't easy, and you may find it takes a lot of practice. But, as time goes on, you will pick up on it - learning to read people, read the room, and read a situation. Observing quietly will get you the insights you need.

Part of the trick to this is listening and observing without judgment. Don't get me wrong - you can have standards and boundaries - but instead of watching a scene play out in front of you and thinking "Gosh, Karen is sure being a bitch," try instead just narrating what is going on without the added filters of your own bias. Instead, consider the following: "Karen is being emotional right now." Then, question your observation. What caused Karen to be emotional? What past events led up to the emotional outburst? 

As you observe without the bias of your judgments, you will learn to analyze situations more objectively. That analysis will help you be the good listener that people want, while also assisting you with the prior rules - when to talk, what to say, and how to avoid situations that will jeopardize your standing in your social groups.

As you become a good listener and become more observant, you will begin to notice something else: how bad other people around you are at listening and paying attention. It will help you hone your own skills, and help you spot areas where you can be of assistance among your fellow background friends. Does someone really need a friend, a shoulder, a sounding board? You are there to help.

Remember some of the skills we discussed earlier, too - they will help you on your way. Actively listen, so you can spot clues and contexts you may have missed before. Ask questions, so you can demonstrate that you are listening and paying attention.