Rules for Being a Background Friend: A Comprehensive Guide

Rule Number Two: Avoid Attention

One of the most important facets of staying in your lane is Rule Number Two: Avoid Attention. To emphasize this point, though, we must reiterate: it is your job, at all times, to avoid believing you are the lead role in any given scenario. Should anything of consequence happen in your life, remember not to make it all about you. No, your happenings exist primarily to set up a lead or supporting character to have an emotional reaction to your plight, or to give them something to worry about in the event of your success. 

Got sick? Suddenly, people you barely know are desperately worried about you, to the point where they can't focus, and their supporting characters need to constantly check on how they are doing. Got a promotion? Congrats. Now your significant other can garner attention for feeling intimidated, hindered, inconvenienced, or neglected because of it.

This rule particularly comes into play if you are in the arts of any kind. As a background friend, having a quirky hobby is almost mandatory. You should definitely knit, write, draw, sew, or something along those lines. If you feel bold, you could even do some performance-based activities, like acting, singing, or improv.

But always remember: these are your hobbies. Even if you're really, really good at them, even if you have dreams about where those hobbies might someday take you, you do them for yourself, not for anyone else.

So, forget about owning your own business, or quitting your 9 to 5 job to do something you love. Or, if you really do hope to do that, just don't count on your current leading or supporting characters to help you. Need some likes or shares on social media? Better buy 'em. Trying to promote the show you're in? Better off hawking tickets on the street. Need some feedback on a poem or story you just wrote? Are you kidding me? People barely read your tweets.

Now, let's be honest: if you're really expecting to make a profit off of your friends, you are, in fact, out of line, and need to check up on your own priorities before denouncing anyone else. But, if you are, in fact, a background friend, then just remember the cycle to which you are beholden: you will get back about 1 ounce of support for every 10 pounds of support you give. Expecting anything more is greedy. And that artwork, or book, or performance you're working so hard on? From one background friend to another, take it from me: everyone wishes you'd shut up about it already. They feel guilty every time they have to scroll past it on their timeline without clicking it so they can pretend they never saw it.