North American Vampire Council & Past Calling (Hypernaturals 12 & 13)

Question

I was sitting reversed on a picnic table bench, looking out at the open field by the New Ninovan pavilion. I had a fresh IPA in one hand, and I was watching Rachel and the kids of New Ninovan running up and down the field of combat that is Futbol. Football elsewhere in the world. Futball is the spelling from Mexico, but I use it because I don't live that far from there. Also, I refuse to use the term for the thing Americans call it after they appropriated 'Football'.

The game that Americans called 'Football'? Really? So utterly misnamed. It does not involve a ball. It's a prolate spheroid. More like an egg or a raindrop than a ball, and for the same reason. You dress up in body armor and throw the much-more-aerodynamic-than-a-ball prolate spheroid through the air with your hand. Therefore not feet: You use your hands on the not-a-ball.

The main time you use a foot on the not-a-ball is when you failed to throw the aerodynamically shaped not-a-ball far enough. Did they name the game after failure?

It's like calling baseball 'Damn it: Didn't get a hit'.

Whatever.

The kids are shrieking happily and running like crazy. Simi and Helen are out being the referees. It is not an official game or anything, and I'll be damned if I understand the rules other than kicking the ball into the net past the goalie (I assume that is what you call the person assigned to guard the goal. Easier than calling them the net-tender), but that did not matter. That is what Simi and Helen know about. My job is to sit here and look pretty.

Also, sip on an IPA.

I am good at the second part of my job. The first part is about Rachel seeing me here watching her. Even if I do not understand it.

Zoom. Scream happily. Zoom the other way. More happy screams. Lots of 'kick it to me' and 'over here' calls. Zoom again.

Rachel having fun. All that matters. As Vampires, we shower almost every day because our senses do not tolerate modern life well. We have turned it, in our marriage, into time that we spend together grooming each other. Very Simian, but Vampires have no illusions about our animal origins. That's a human delusion.

Rachel bathes every day because she is always covered in dirt and sweat.

"Can I ask you a question, Sir?"

I looked over at the person wanting to ask me a question. Kevin. One of the first Ninovan's I ever met.

"Kevin." I paused for emphasis. "You know I am a world-renowned fighter. That I killed William and beat Cert in a fair fight. Correct?" I asked.

"Yes Sir..." Kevin said, halting and unsure where I was going with that. Normally the answer to Kevin's question would be 'Yes' or 'No, I am watching my girl run like the wind'.

"Then call me 'Sir' one more time, and you will find that I can fold you over so many times that you will be all corners. After that, I will use your folded up ass as a frisbee which I will toss out there onto the field. That will distress the kids when you go whirling onto the field of play, because that game they are playing now, while utterly mysterious, obviously requires a ball. Not a flattened young man."

I sipped. I did not look at him. There is nothing in my voice to make him think I was in any way kidding. Nor, other than the actual words, was I growling and threatening. I was very matter of fact.

"Call me 'Adrian'. Call me 'asshole'. Call me 'shit-for-brains'. Call me 'Rachel's Dad'. Never, ever call me 'Sir'. Never 'Councilman' or 'Councilperson' either. CouncilCritter is fine and utterly appropriate. Councilwoman is also OK because it is ironic. I know you meant it as a form of respect, but it is not. Not to me. I am not old. I am not august and important, nor do I wish to be. I am a dad drinking a beer and watching his kid do things I do not understand, but she is happy doing them."