YOUR HEART KNOWS IT

PART 42: The Letters

Dear Lillian,

Next week will be Leslie's 18th birthday. Our baby girl grew up so fast that I wish I have more time to spend with her. What do you think? Should I cook her a meal? Sad but my options are limited, as you can see I don't possess 'The Hulks' energy anymore. I'm not like the man I used to be, my capacity is to only stay in this house, alone, waiting for Leslie from selling her home cook viands and homemade desserts house to house. But she didn't have to do that, does she? She wasn't supposed to be wasting her time like that don't you agree?

As a father, I am such a disappointment, I should be the one doing that. I should be the one providing everything for our daughter. But why? Why did I end up this way? Why did you go too quickly? And why do I feel like I'm about to follow you soon?

She comes home every day giving me that bright smile. The same smile that breaks my heart every time. Unlike her, it is hard for me to accept everything that happened, for a parent who is nothing but a retard I can't fathom watching her pretend like she is not even tired at all. My love, I pity her so much that I pray to God he takes me now.  Maybe then I wouldn't feel such things. Maybe then I would be at ease at least she doesn't have to take care of me, she does not have to endure all these things. But am I being selfish for saying all of these? She's just a child. I'm sorry but she is just a child. Can we really leave her like this?

Help me, I want to surprise her before I go. I want to spend time with her before I say goodbye. I still deserve that do I? And she at least has the right to that, am I right?

I am not scared of leaving her with nothing. I am more scared of the fact that ' I am leaving her' and there is no coming back.

To my Leslie,

If you are reading this your Dad loves you, baby girl. He always will. He feels miserable about everything. He's heartbroken for leaving you soon. He's embarrassed for not keeping his promises. He's sorry for not staying longer than you two have chatted about that day. I hope you can forgive him.
He knew the times you were lying but it hurt him more than you think, it upset him that you had to lie when you didn't have to. You never really have to but I have forgiven you already so forgive me too okay? Please my child, I know it is a selfish thing to ask and I'm very much aware it will be hard to do and understand but that is one thing that I am also scared of the most. What if you can't find it in your heart to forgive me and your mom? I love you very much. Your Dad will always love you you know that right?  Your mom and I will be watching you from above. I'm sorry it has to be that way.

Take care baby girl, til' we meet again. Anytime now my wings are about to fly but yours are still meant to soar high. How I wish I could be there with you. Your dreams will come true, I'll make sure of that. We'll help you here.

Don't be broken when the time comes, okay? stand up! Face the people. Don't let anyone stop you from doing what you love.

My hands are tired from writing, I have to end it here. Don't forget everything I have said alright? Don't feel sorry for yourself. Keep the smile on your face. Don't let anybody belittle you because you are my Leslie, My baby girl, my child.

So long, love... your Daddy.