YOUR HEART KNOWS IT

PART 45

Do you know what I regretted the most after mom passed away? That's when I realized that throughout my existence I took her life for granted because I always thought she would be around. I was wrong to ignore her, sadly I am too late to realize that it was unfair of me to not answer her calls. After she got diagnosed with cancer I did not do what a daughter should have done to a mother who's only given a year to live. I suppose I could have, NO, I should have spent more time with her but instead I lock myself in my room after school refusing to talk to her every time she tries to make a conversation with me. She knocks on my door every night, it breaks my heart but my selfish side got the whole of me at those times that I just let her be, I made her worry, I  made her waste any ounce of energy left on her just to call me for dinner and most of all I made her cry. Then we lost her, just like that in an instant no goodbyes for me, no hugs, no more kiss, no more of her,
gone, nada! and until now I still regret it. My anguish broke me tremendously that up to now it hurts to think it will forever stay with me, engraved in my mind and heart that I wasted so much of my chances to be with my mom.

"I'm sorry," said Flute, who is about to hug me but I pushed him aside. I'm surprised he stayed calm to the point that he only stopped walking and took a seat while waiting to hear for more.

"Psh. You don't have to be. I should be the one apologetic for getting you out of the party I guess I should leave."

"Come on. It was my choice to follow you don't be silly."

"But still it is your sister's party. You should go back ." They might be looking for him by now.

"I said it's fine, the party is almost over, and anyways my part is done"

"But"

" Shhh, she is not going to look for me anyway her crush is around there somewhere, and my parents would be busy talking to everyone like they haven't seen each other in ages." He said tapping the space beside him.

"Thanks but I prefer to stand. Really? Was it her escort?"

"I think so"

"Funny, I thought you two were close" I blurted out of the blue

"We are actually, but lately she's keeping secrets from me now"

"Oh well, teenagers, give her a break"

"I know, but you know what I'm glad you and Clover are getting along now"

"Of course, what happened before wasn't a big deal, just a tiny weeny bit of a problem" I proudly said.

"Right, then I might as well focus on my own love life right?"

"Yeah, I suppose so"

"Then can I take you out on a decent date?" Tell me I didn't blush because I think my cheeks turned red.

"Huh? But you already did" I said casually pretending like it didn't catch me off guard. What is happening to me lately? My heart keeps beating so fast that I think I need to schedule a check-up.

"Yes but I want it formal, I mean that the both of us agreed to it and not only because we were coerced, or should I say you were forced to." He did not stutter this time instead he became a rapper that I almost did not recognize the voice if he wasn't in front of me.

"Tss! Not happening"

"See? Is it a hobby of yours to push people away or do you just not like me?" His smile faded and I felt awful for making him think that way.

"Please don't say it like that, it's neither of the two okay"

"Care to tell me why you keep rejecting me then?"

" I have no valid reason at all. I just don't like to go out "

"Ouch!"

"Don't get me wrong, it's not specifically you" I said, trying to ease the awkward mood.

"But I feel like it is"

"Argh, let's talk about that next time, shall we? I appreciate you keeping me company earlier but I really have to go now "

"No problem and not gonna happen." He said, grabbing my hand. I swear I felt something when our hands touched again.

"I'm serious" I firmly said.

" but-- it seems to me that you still have a lot going on in your mind right now. Care to share again?" Nice try Flute but No!

"No thanks! I've talked too much for tonight"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with that?" The man said insisting on more conversation.

"Yes, but I have to go. Sorry" was all I could say before turning my back at him again like the last time.

And for the twentieth time, he tried to stop me but there was nothing he can do because my ride is already in front of me and this is not something from a movie that I will stay just because a guy asked me to. No, I was determined to leave, I wasn't happy to be here to start with. People might judge me this time and tell me I'm rude but I'm not sorry because this is me. This is how I prefer things, this is how I"ve lived for a long time. I want to distance myself from people if possible because I am not good at saying goodbyes and I hate it when people leave. At this age, you might think that I am already matured but honestly, a lot of times I still act immaturely.  I am still lost most of the moment that the introverted me is having a problem avoiding reality.

Should I say sorry again the next time? I feel guilty for acting like that but I just can't help it and I'm truly sorry. If only we are given the best choices for us and we never need to choose then everything will be perfect. But yet again perfection is not something on my list.