YOUR HEART KNOWS IT

PART 48

Fatigue crawls all over my body as I go up the stairs, every step seems to be difficult I barely made it to my room. I lay my back, legs half hanging from the bed staring at the ceiling thinking of the worst-case scenario.
It's 4:50 am on my watch and I don't want to be upstairs but I guess he's right I need some rest. Something keeps bothering me for over a week now, I try to shake it off because it's one thing I fear the most to come true. We've already talked about it before and I told myself to be ready but I realized that no one can ever be prepared for something like this. My mind tends to be wide awake but my body seems to be bugging down from a week of sleepless nights that after a few yawns I fell asleep.

Not long enough, I heard a heavy thud. I open my eyes and instinctively ran downstairs towards the room of my father. I stopped in the middle it was a startling sight to see for he was already on the floor vomiting and bleeding profusely, I hate the sight of blood, the smell, the timing,  something tells me that this is not good. My heart is racing rapidly for no reason, my head felt heavy I feel like losing consciousness that I was surprised I still know what I'm doing. I fell on my knees not minding the stench of blood and vomit. We had a lot of false alarms like this but in my gut, I knew this is what I readied myself before.

I held him in my arms trying to lift him but he was not letting me do so, suddenly he became heavier. I tried and tried but I feel like he's putting all his weight on a portion of his body that all I could do is cry.
"Daddy, please. Come on! You have to help yourself" but he just looked at me with those beseeching eyes.

"No! We have to stop the bleeding. Wait! I'll go call for help" I slipped when I tried to get up and for the first time in my life, I swore.

"Shit!" Now I'm all covered with blood and vomit but I don't mind I have to get help. I need to bring my father to the hospital. We've been doing this for almost two years now and again will get through. At least he let me help him lean his back on the edge of the bed but when I started to stand up he reached for my arm, with all his might then I knew the meaning of his grip.
It's like everything came to me, all my realizations that for a moment I became selfish. Suddenly, I did not want to let him go. I refuse to do so even if he was already patting my arms with his feeble hand. I was crying, he wasn't. Instead He was smiling, he was ready to go but how about me? I became scared to be alone, terrified to be an orphan! What went wrong for me to deserve this? What did I do?!

"Daddy!" I begged, "please don't leave me"
"Please. Please. Please" I begged again and again and again. He tried to say a word but given his situation, just one look in his eyes is all it took for me to understand.

" I love you too Daddy, it's okay now, I'm sorry it's okay"  was all I could mutter my left hand caressing his face as I watch him slowly closing his eyes. We stayed like that for a minute or two his grip loosened but his fingers are slightly tapping me like telling me that everything's gonna be okay. I knew it wouldn't be but at that time it meant everything to me. I lost my tears blankly staring at the scene in front of me then I lost it all when his hand started to slip away and his chest shows no evidence of breathing anymore.

I woke up in tears as I help myself to stand. I wiped them using the back of my hand and looked around. The sky already turned orange, the sun is setting down. For some reason falling asleep here often happens whenever I come with a heavy heart.

"Rachel!" said a voice. I was a little startled but I managed to say "Pops!"

"I was wondering what's taking you so long in the City, but I knew you'd be here when  Peter told me your phone and wallet is in your room," he said in a worried tone.

"I'm sorry for worrying you, you were sleeping when I came back so I did not bother to wake you up" I looked at my watch and it was past 6 pm, ha! I don't even have any idea how long I've been laying on the ground.

"Now now, it's okay. Let's go and it's getting late you should at least bring a flashlight with you if you plan to leave your phone next time "

"Yes sir," I said sarcastically

"You kid," he said and slightly thwacked my head
"Ouch," I said rubbing my frontal I feign a fainting scene, and it makes me happy when he plays along with me
"Love you pops" was all I could say giving him an embrace.
"Love you too kid," said the father that didn't have to be. Peter and I are so lucky to have him in our lives. I smiled as we make our way back to the house I call ho